Naomi Aldort interview

I found a great interview Naomi Aldort did with another blogger at Mother Rising. Enjoy! 

More Naomi Aldort in the internet

Yesterday I discovered that Naomi Aldort offers a forum for everyone interested in discussing Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves. The address is http://authenticparent.websitetoolbox.com/. 

There is a hidden gem: a section that contains links to Aldort's articles in Life Learning magazine and some other articles at http://authenticparent.websitetoolbox.com/?forum=114682. 

I've really enjoyed reading the articles.

2 situations with a 2-year-old

Yesterday we visited P's sister HM. She has a 2-year-old girl called Anni. I've been thinking about two recent situations with her that have made me think about what children need and how adults can support them. 

The first scene happened when we were leaving on an earlier visit. Anni and HM, her mother, went to a room that had a sofa and a window to the yard, so that Anni could watch as I and P were leaving. Anni got on the sofa and suddenly fell with her right foot between the sofa and the radiator. HM asked her if she was hurt, and A said "no", but seemed distraught nonetheless. HM urged on - I don't remember everything as clearly as I'd like -  and Anni finally started to cry in her lap to get the hurt and shock out. 

That brought to mind what I had learned from Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves, about children needing support with facing their emotions. The very least they need is for the adults around to allow for emotional expression, and not prevent it with for example avoidance or providing distractions (some of the ways of denying children their emotions Aldort lists in her book). This situation stayed with me for days, and I felt admiration for HM's mothering. What HM did was more than allowing Anni to have her feelings,  what she did was to support her in becoming emotionally aware, resilient and facing her feelings. 

It is common to think that children are very emotional and easy with their feelings and think that what adults do wouldn't have much of an effect, or, even worse, that emotional expression is not important. The truth is that children are resilient but the resiliency comes from being able to live with your emotions as they come, and not fear that you lose the respect or love of the adults around you if you show your hurt. Aldort promotes being there for the child (not stopping emotional expression) and not adding drama to the situation. Aldort has made clear that children follow adults' expectations and can be seriously stunted by adults' attitudes. Unexpressed emotions stay with children, awaiting later release, seriously hampering the child's well-being if that time never comes. A couple of days ago I realised that I waited my whole childhood and youth for a situation to fully exist, for safety to have my emotions. Now I'm building that, slowly and painfully. 

What I learned is that Anni needed in that situation both that her emotions are taken seriously, and that she is supported in expressing them: this is what I feel that HM did. 

The second event happened as I was playing with Anni. I'm somewhat a favourite with her, and we have some games that we play together. One of those is Anni doing something on the mattresses at her room and me following and repeating whatever she is doing. An example would be theatrically falling on the mattress or kicking our feet in the air making funny sounds. 

Yesterday as we were playing Anni turned forcefully on the mattress and hit her head to a closet door. I was quite sure that she would be hurting. I remembered that I want to allow Anni to feel her feelings and move on, and I asked her if she was hurt. She said no, but I said something else, trying to suggest that it is okay to be hurt. I asked if we would get her mother, and A said no. I wonder how I could know when Anni's no means that she is afraid her emotions won't be accepted and when it does mean that she genuinely doesn't feel the need to get her mother for support. 

She was silent for a while but allowed me to stroke her back slowly. (I stopped for a while and continued as she stayed in the same position. I'm conscious of the possibility of forcing children physical closeness they don't know how to prevent and I really hope that what I did felt comfortable and supporting to Anni).  I hope that I allowed Anni to have her feelings. It's possible that something stayed unexpressed and Anni's parents will face the emotions later on. I'm happy to know that Anni has parents who can support her emotionally.  After a while Anni got up and said something about the door, and I reciprocated by saying that it is sturdy or something to that effect. 

Now I wonder if that situation went as best it could. Maybe it's safest for Anni not to express all her hurt with me.  I don't think that I was attached to Anni either hurting or not hurting, and I was genuinely trying to just allow Anni her feelings. Situations like this make a life, emotions unexpressed can deeply prevent present life. When declined a chance to express and feel our emotions we become afraid of them, and feel that who we are fully is unacceptable. I wish for Anni a sense that everything that she is is fully loved, and that she can move on from any feeling. 

Naomi Aldort in the internet

As I'm pondering how to express the deep meaning of Aldort's book Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves for the blog, I'm watching her on youtube. Her videos and a few articles by her can be found at her website, http://naomialdort.com/. I like the one on name calling especially. Of the articles the one about the importance of play is my favourite. 

Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves, part 2

This book makes me really sad now because I see how bad my life has been almost up until now (and from now on, for different reasons). If I didn't feel that my life is over because of the physical disabilities I've caused myself I would be actually very happy about everything Aldort writes. But now my reading is tainted with such remorse and longing that it's almost painful. 

I see ever so clearly that all my life I was ashamed of what I was really feelings and my qualities, in essence of everything I was. Aldort lists the signs of children who only expect conditional love and don't have the encouragement they need to have a really meaningful life. I can relate to a few, especially

* ”A child who is afraid of being judged is likely to stop whatever she is doing when her parent enters the room.” I can't even watch tv with my so-called parents, it takes all the joy out of it. I've recognized my feeling for a long time, but this is a very neat explanation. The same applies to my little brothers, I think, they will get angry when my ”mom” tries to inquire into what they're doing.

* ”A fearful child will avoid asserting herself, especially if she thinks her wishes will conflict with her parents'.” This is why I never got what I wanted. In addition to the fact that when I wanted something and actually verbalised it, it was called a whim or considered not important and promptly ignored (A good example is the time I was anxious about not getting braces like everyone else, was told off, and suffered for years in longing for straightened teeth. After telling about that to my ”mother” a couple of years ago it took 2 hours of explaining how my life was made worse by that ignorance, and then she finally decided to tell me how she really, despite my explanations, still saw it, i.e. ”teeth are not the most important thing in the world!”. Touché, nothing in my life ever was important.)

* ”Feeling unsafe hinders the child's ability to make decisions.” I've only recently recognized how I always want to think things through and come to ”the perfect” outcome in any decision (e.g. choosing a computer will take months...) I tend to ”overthink” everything, and feel insecure about my choices. This point by Aldort got me thinking that maybe it is my internalised sense of how my parents would react to things. Certainly I always had to test things out in my head numerous times, and taking any action on something important was a grueling task, and doing anything with my parents present created anxiety for me.

*”The ability to concentrate is severely hampered by insecurity and fear - - ” Part of the reason I'm declared schizophreniac is the disparity between my talents and my ability to get things done. Aldort points out the reason.

* ”A child who does not feel emotionally safe and confident will sometimes choose a careful path of pleasing. She may strive to blend in rather than be herself. ” This has certainly affected me more than I would like to admit. Outwardly I was the rebel but inside all my reflexes made me susceptible to any outside demand no matter at what cost to my life.

A child who has something to fear will also lie, because there is so much at stake (possible punishment,withdrawal of parental love etc.). The only time I remember actually lying to my parents was when I was maybe 6 and had stolen a fantastic miniature camera from a friend. My ”mother” asked me if I took it and I just lied, looking straight at her eyes. I was filled with fear, obviously. But I still felt sad when she believed me, since inauthenticity seemed to satisfy her, not a genuine connection with me...

It kills me that my parents didn't perceive the threat they put us under (especially me, I was the sensitive and fully pleasing one) by teaching us to ignore our feelings and sense of danger. My life genuinely feels like it's over now because of this disability. I keep thinking that anything, anything that could've done when I was feeling worst, could maybe have given me the sense that I was important and that my health would be important to maintain. There have been countless situations in my life where I've ignored my sense of danger, but this one thing is what is killing me now; the rest didn't leave physical damage; i feel fully able to deal with those experiences now. The emotional and other abuse I could take, especially now that I see alternatives and am learning to assert what I need.   

After the previous post veered seriously off course, here is what I was going to write about... Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves

I'm in love with this book already even though I'm only on page 60 now. I hope that I'll finish this today. 

Aldort presents a fantastic outline of what children need from their parents, and overall in life, to thrive. She lists 

- love

- freedom of self-expression

- autonomy and power

- emotional safety 

- self-esteem 

as needs children try to satisfy through their actions (no matter how inconceivable to the parent). I think that I was very much a normal, maybe more sensitive and acutely aware of things as others, but overall a normal, healthy child. But I was thrown into an environment of expectations and unquestioned demands. My parents never took the time or caring to go through what they expected (some of these I heard later, such as "I wanted nice children", with no thought ever given to what "being nice" in a child would mean), which is the first step Aldort presents for parents to become the loving parents they (hopefully!) want to be. S. is the first letter of her S.A.L.V.E. formula, and it means listening to your self-talk to reveal assumptions and 'should's that stand between you and loving your child as she is. And as she states, that is indeed the most important, the critical thing parents need to realise; the rest will flow by itself after you're clear about what you really are telling yourself.  

More on expectations; Aldort writes that the emotional energy of a parent can often be overwhelming to the child. If she is scolded about something she will only learn that she is worthless, and probably become so sensitized by the parent's anger that she won't understand what the parent tries to communicate. I love it how Aldort explains the destructive power of expectations: "- - children are prompted by expectations to do what would please the adults around them, which hurts their sense of trust and self-esteem. Protect the child's authenticity in his relationship with you - -. " p.48 

(Makes me see that what I became - that defenseless creature who tries to do what is expected no matter what the cost - is very natural. And if people who are in the "helping professions" realised this deep need and didn't think that manipulating children through it is okay, they could've seen that I should be protected from myself, from becoming slave to others' expectations... but I digress.) 

I'm reading the love chapter now. Aldort explores what it means to love and what kind of attention children need. 

Quotes I find very worthwhile: 

* On why the book was written: "The purpose of this book, therefore, is not to teach you how to elicit cooperation, but how to empower self-realization for both you and your child. An autonomous child, whose life flows in her direction, acts productively because she wants to. She acts out of joy and love, not out of fear or a need to earn approval." 

* On why it's not "indulging the child" to give him attention (Aldort also makes clear that nothing loving you can do will "spoil" the child or make them not aware of others' needs): "Giving attention - - is a response to a human need. The child learns his own value by being worthy of our time and attention." p.62 

* A risk parents face, of blinding themselves. Aldort suggests being deeply aware of our motives when dealing with (our) children: "Often we confuse our own needs with caring for the child, and we project those needs on the child. - - we are all sometimes convinced that we know what is best for the child, yet it is more likely to represent our own needs." p.65-6 

* About what love really means, a quote I love to bits: "Your child will feel connected by love when you are straight with her about your needs and you avoid controlling her or teaching her how to be. - - loving your child is being ecstatic about who she is, celebrating her ways of being and her choices." p.67

More when I finish the book.