Finnish children don't consider game English "real English"

There is a story about someone's PhD reseach about 7-13-year old Finnish children and studying English in today's Helsingin sanomat. The surveyed children don't consider the English they learn when gaming "proper English" , and don't see much relevance for lerning to write English (this is actually expressed rather vaguely in the article; it's possible that I misunderstood something). "Real English" is learned at school from books, the children think. 

I don't remember if I had that kind of an attitude about English, but one of the bitternesses I harbor about school has to do with learning English. English lessons helped me learn English until I was in the 6th grade, after that my learning was from books I read and tv shows I watched. I remember the moment I realised that I know English; I was watching Bold and the Beautiful and had an epiphany - I wasn't reading the subtitles anymore but I was listening to what they were actually saying, in English. After that English lessons were really boring, and didn't really contribute to my use of it... I remember the only 2 words I learned on the 8th grade (obstruction and contempt). My teacher noticed that I was bored, but didn't really offer me anything more challenging or meaningful. Now when I think about who I was then I had a really deep need to be understood and to find ways to express my diverse thoughts, and even though I studied English, Finnish and French, none of those lessons fulfilled that need. 

No wonder children have the attitudes they do; at school it is not really considered important what children are excited about or do in their free time. The researcher concludes that attention should be placed on forging connections between the children's experiences and their English lessons. That way, the article says, "children's attitudes would also change". I don't know how important that is, I think that the children's attitudes are a pretty clear indicator of how things actually are at school, and how their life outside of school is seen there. I would think that the point of the change would be that children could be excited about what they learn, could see the relevance of what they do learn, and they are seen as whole children and their learning outside of school is also valued. 

I think that the same would apply to any school subject, and actually to anything outside of school; true learning has everything to do with our lives as they are now, and all that we willingly learn can change our life as it is now. 

This huge task ahead of me

I feel like now I've gained a lot of understanding about what went wrong in my life. Now I've got this huge task of building a great life ahead of me, and I feel that the "treatment" I'm getting (medications and some meetings with "helpers") doesn't really give me anything that would really support me with it. 

I was really born healthy and talented, even though sensitive and easily traumatized (I've stopped really living as a very small child). Now I see that that being had everything in herself that she needed for a good life, her environment just couldn't offer her what she needed. She didn't get what she needed, and she was ignored, so she learned to see herself as worthless and act without power, act only out of fear and anxiousness to fulfil others' expectations. She could never do what was important to her (no matter if she knew what was best for her, she couldn't physically bring herself to do it - this is why I have these physical problems now, it's not that I wouldn't have known better), she learned to hide who she really was, eventually from herself as well. She resigned to the thought that life would start later, when she was a worthwhile adult. 

Now is that time when life starts or doesn't. I'm not sure if I feel alive yet, I'm slightly apprehensive about what I see as this huge learning task, undoing the conditioning that has made me powerless and unhappy. Talking only doesn't help because it's not on the level of talk that I'm traumatized. My body will shut me out, dissociate, lose all ability to function when there is something that would be important to me to do. I've never been fully able to function, I know now, despite pretending otherwise for all these years. That pretense was part of my traumatic defense. 

Do I have the energy to live with my physical disability and to build a real life? What can I do to have a real life now? There never was any trust in me in my life. I became powerless and deeply ashamed and afraid of the powerlessness.  I really had no choice as a child. I didn't get what I needed, I was shut down, my emotions, expression, knowing what was important to me, and had to pretend all these years to be living my own life. 

At least at last I'm in a situation in which my external situation corresponds with how I feel inside, I'm not trying to pretend to be okay anymore. What if I will never have the tools I would need to build a great life? What if I spend the rest of my life haunted by my past? I'm not willing to do that. Can I trust myself now, know that I don't have the safety I need, and just build it bit by bit, wishing to not get more hurt before I am able to really take care of myself? This is what parents would have been for; for helping you live as yourself, and for taking care of you when you were unable to do so, for supporting your ability to go on living authentically. My so-called parents just saw me as an embellishment to their life, someone who should have no emotions, no problems, no difficulty whatsoever. They denied themselves the chance to nurture me, make sure that I am taken care of, and get to know me. 

2 situations with a 2-year-old

Yesterday we visited P's sister HM. She has a 2-year-old girl called Anni. I've been thinking about two recent situations with her that have made me think about what children need and how adults can support them. 

The first scene happened when we were leaving on an earlier visit. Anni and HM, her mother, went to a room that had a sofa and a window to the yard, so that Anni could watch as I and P were leaving. Anni got on the sofa and suddenly fell with her right foot between the sofa and the radiator. HM asked her if she was hurt, and A said "no", but seemed distraught nonetheless. HM urged on - I don't remember everything as clearly as I'd like -  and Anni finally started to cry in her lap to get the hurt and shock out. 

That brought to mind what I had learned from Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves, about children needing support with facing their emotions. The very least they need is for the adults around to allow for emotional expression, and not prevent it with for example avoidance or providing distractions (some of the ways of denying children their emotions Aldort lists in her book). This situation stayed with me for days, and I felt admiration for HM's mothering. What HM did was more than allowing Anni to have her feelings,  what she did was to support her in becoming emotionally aware, resilient and facing her feelings. 

It is common to think that children are very emotional and easy with their feelings and think that what adults do wouldn't have much of an effect, or, even worse, that emotional expression is not important. The truth is that children are resilient but the resiliency comes from being able to live with your emotions as they come, and not fear that you lose the respect or love of the adults around you if you show your hurt. Aldort promotes being there for the child (not stopping emotional expression) and not adding drama to the situation. Aldort has made clear that children follow adults' expectations and can be seriously stunted by adults' attitudes. Unexpressed emotions stay with children, awaiting later release, seriously hampering the child's well-being if that time never comes. A couple of days ago I realised that I waited my whole childhood and youth for a situation to fully exist, for safety to have my emotions. Now I'm building that, slowly and painfully. 

What I learned is that Anni needed in that situation both that her emotions are taken seriously, and that she is supported in expressing them: this is what I feel that HM did. 

The second event happened as I was playing with Anni. I'm somewhat a favourite with her, and we have some games that we play together. One of those is Anni doing something on the mattresses at her room and me following and repeating whatever she is doing. An example would be theatrically falling on the mattress or kicking our feet in the air making funny sounds. 

Yesterday as we were playing Anni turned forcefully on the mattress and hit her head to a closet door. I was quite sure that she would be hurting. I remembered that I want to allow Anni to feel her feelings and move on, and I asked her if she was hurt. She said no, but I said something else, trying to suggest that it is okay to be hurt. I asked if we would get her mother, and A said no. I wonder how I could know when Anni's no means that she is afraid her emotions won't be accepted and when it does mean that she genuinely doesn't feel the need to get her mother for support. 

She was silent for a while but allowed me to stroke her back slowly. (I stopped for a while and continued as she stayed in the same position. I'm conscious of the possibility of forcing children physical closeness they don't know how to prevent and I really hope that what I did felt comfortable and supporting to Anni).  I hope that I allowed Anni to have her feelings. It's possible that something stayed unexpressed and Anni's parents will face the emotions later on. I'm happy to know that Anni has parents who can support her emotionally.  After a while Anni got up and said something about the door, and I reciprocated by saying that it is sturdy or something to that effect. 

Now I wonder if that situation went as best it could. Maybe it's safest for Anni not to express all her hurt with me.  I don't think that I was attached to Anni either hurting or not hurting, and I was genuinely trying to just allow Anni her feelings. Situations like this make a life, emotions unexpressed can deeply prevent present life. When declined a chance to express and feel our emotions we become afraid of them, and feel that who we are fully is unacceptable. I wish for Anni a sense that everything that she is is fully loved, and that she can move on from any feeling. 

Where am I with NVC? Reading Speak Peace in a World of Conflict

Today I read the book Speak Peace in a World of Conflict for the second time. This is Rosenberg's illustration of NVC and how it relates to living peacefully within ourselves and with others, and creating a peaceful world with new kinds of social structures. I didn't remember how radical Rosenberg is in the sense that he wants to deeply change the way the world works nowadays; he sees coercive structures as gangs (be they corporations or schools, anything), and recognizes that education as it usually works is geared towards producing docile workers who will do as they are told. 

As I read I'm pondering whether I'm really ready to apply NVC in my life. Making genuine connections with people really scares me. I'm wondering if I really want to do it; maybe that is why listening in NVC is so difficult. Or is it just that I don't trust the NVC process yet? I feel vulnerable sharing my feelings and needs, and listening to others' needs and feelings doesn't come easily to me.  I feel that I have a lot to learn. 

I'm also noticing that knowing what I'm feeling any moment is really difficult. My family didn't support any kind of emotional expression or consciousness of emotions or needs, and for a long time I didn't know at all what I was feeling aside from constant depression and anxiety. Now when I think of situations in the NVC sense, and try to identify how I feel in them, it feels like I'm just looking at the list of feelings and thinking in my head, "what could I be feeling now?". Maybe that's how it starts really, after you've grown up hiding your emotions and trying to please everyone around you. 

My use of NVC so far has probably been mostly formulaic, and P has picked up on it. I'm really not sure if I'm looking for the empathetic connection that is, Rosenberg writes, the goal of NVC. Maybe I'm trying to force myself to "do NVC", maybe what I really now want is to connect with relatively few people? (With P, and with my friends?) At the same time I want to "practise NVC" because I enrolled on a course of NVC at Oulu next month! I asked the teacher whether it is okay for me to attend, since I haven't taken the basic course and this is an advanced version, and I got permission. 

It takes me increasing amounts of time to respond to anything P says, but I think that that is part of learning NVC. I have kind of switched off the old intellectualising and complaining voice, but haven't really found a way to connect to others' and my own needs yet. I'm sure that I will learn in time to be more present and open to hearing what I am and what others are experiencing. Exciting times. 

Naomi Aldort in the internet

As I'm pondering how to express the deep meaning of Aldort's book Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves for the blog, I'm watching her on youtube. Her videos and a few articles by her can be found at her website, http://naomialdort.com/. I like the one on name calling especially. Of the articles the one about the importance of play is my favourite. 

A tip for menstruating women: the menstrual cup

I don't intend to do a lot of product endorsement in this blog, but certain inventions are too good not to write about. I've been using the menstrual cup around 3 years now and would recommend it to any menstruating woman. Even though it took some practise for me to learn to use it (I could only insert it lying down for the first months), the effort was completely worth it. Nowadays my periods go a lot easier even if I'm not one of the lucky normal-flowy women who need only empty the cup twice a day. 

If you're considering trying the cup and are still slightly hesitant, please heed my recommendation and do try! (And tell me about it in comments.) There are a few things good to remember as you start your life with the cup: 

- there are many ways to fold the cup for easy insertion, just do a search 

- when inserting it,  make sure that the cup has popped open by testing if the bottom of the cup feels round 

- when taking the cup out remember to relax! and also to fully release the air pressure inside the cup before you try to take it out (a good technique is to slide your finger upwards on the edge of the cup until you can squeeze the air out)

- rinse first with cold water so the blood doesn't stick or the cup become smelly, and if the airholes have holes in them fill the cup with water, turn it against your palm and squeeze it so that the water comes out the airholes, cleaning them. 

- wash with an intimate wash liquid that hasn't been perfumed (but the longer I use the cup the less often I wash it, do as often as necessary..) 

- cleaning the cup is easy if you just put it on a plate and pour boiling water over it and let it sit for a while, repeat; do this at least between periods. 

- when you start using the cup trim the "antenna" if it feels uncomfortable. It'll prevent overflow since if the antenna hits your vaginal wall the cup might move. 

For everyone who understands Finnish there is a fantastic internet resource about menstrual cups called kuukuppikunta. In English there is a livejournal community about menstrual cups, and a site about reusable menstrual products at http://www.ecomenses.com/. 

Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves, part 2

This book makes me really sad now because I see how bad my life has been almost up until now (and from now on, for different reasons). If I didn't feel that my life is over because of the physical disabilities I've caused myself I would be actually very happy about everything Aldort writes. But now my reading is tainted with such remorse and longing that it's almost painful. 

I see ever so clearly that all my life I was ashamed of what I was really feelings and my qualities, in essence of everything I was. Aldort lists the signs of children who only expect conditional love and don't have the encouragement they need to have a really meaningful life. I can relate to a few, especially

* ”A child who is afraid of being judged is likely to stop whatever she is doing when her parent enters the room.” I can't even watch tv with my so-called parents, it takes all the joy out of it. I've recognized my feeling for a long time, but this is a very neat explanation. The same applies to my little brothers, I think, they will get angry when my ”mom” tries to inquire into what they're doing.

* ”A fearful child will avoid asserting herself, especially if she thinks her wishes will conflict with her parents'.” This is why I never got what I wanted. In addition to the fact that when I wanted something and actually verbalised it, it was called a whim or considered not important and promptly ignored (A good example is the time I was anxious about not getting braces like everyone else, was told off, and suffered for years in longing for straightened teeth. After telling about that to my ”mother” a couple of years ago it took 2 hours of explaining how my life was made worse by that ignorance, and then she finally decided to tell me how she really, despite my explanations, still saw it, i.e. ”teeth are not the most important thing in the world!”. Touché, nothing in my life ever was important.)

* ”Feeling unsafe hinders the child's ability to make decisions.” I've only recently recognized how I always want to think things through and come to ”the perfect” outcome in any decision (e.g. choosing a computer will take months...) I tend to ”overthink” everything, and feel insecure about my choices. This point by Aldort got me thinking that maybe it is my internalised sense of how my parents would react to things. Certainly I always had to test things out in my head numerous times, and taking any action on something important was a grueling task, and doing anything with my parents present created anxiety for me.

*”The ability to concentrate is severely hampered by insecurity and fear - - ” Part of the reason I'm declared schizophreniac is the disparity between my talents and my ability to get things done. Aldort points out the reason.

* ”A child who does not feel emotionally safe and confident will sometimes choose a careful path of pleasing. She may strive to blend in rather than be herself. ” This has certainly affected me more than I would like to admit. Outwardly I was the rebel but inside all my reflexes made me susceptible to any outside demand no matter at what cost to my life.

A child who has something to fear will also lie, because there is so much at stake (possible punishment,withdrawal of parental love etc.). The only time I remember actually lying to my parents was when I was maybe 6 and had stolen a fantastic miniature camera from a friend. My ”mother” asked me if I took it and I just lied, looking straight at her eyes. I was filled with fear, obviously. But I still felt sad when she believed me, since inauthenticity seemed to satisfy her, not a genuine connection with me...

It kills me that my parents didn't perceive the threat they put us under (especially me, I was the sensitive and fully pleasing one) by teaching us to ignore our feelings and sense of danger. My life genuinely feels like it's over now because of this disability. I keep thinking that anything, anything that could've done when I was feeling worst, could maybe have given me the sense that I was important and that my health would be important to maintain. There have been countless situations in my life where I've ignored my sense of danger, but this one thing is what is killing me now; the rest didn't leave physical damage; i feel fully able to deal with those experiences now. The emotional and other abuse I could take, especially now that I see alternatives and am learning to assert what I need.