Small thoughts

I've been reading John Holt's Instead of Education, and that book too has both made me hopeful and incredibly sad. It feels so sad to notice that had my parents wanted to offer me a good environment they could've, there would have been resources out there. The contrast to what they chose to do is shuddering. 

One of those things they chose to do was to hit us. The instances I remember were all situations in which my intentions were misinterpreted, and where I was already feeling really bad due to not being understood or some other reason. Hitting us seemed just a way to use up emotion without feeling it for my "parents", and of course was the handy method they made sure that my authentic self was silenced. As a consequence I was "a nice, well-behaved girl", meaning, always afraid, always seeing what was expected, always unsure and unhappy. 

My "mother" told me a couple of years ago that she thought that I would forget what they did, implying that that would mean that it wouldn't have affected me. Why you would want your child to forget your influence as a parent is beyond me - how can you have such low standards for yourself? A part of the reason is maybe that parenting is seen as something where conflicts with children are the norm, and there is very little understanding about the kinds of conflicts that are healthy and the kinds that aren't? 

The conflict there were "at my home", were not the healthy kind, but really usually meant my parents assigning malicious motives on us and punishing us (whether by hitting, not listening, ignoring our questions, etc) according to how they felt at the time. Our needs, emotions, and intentions were ignored. I hardly think there was any time my parents would just have been satisfied and happy to be parents, and accepting and loving us. 

However, as I was, it doesn't really matter if there were such times, because I never felt the love even if it existed. My parents were never around, but even when they were around they weren't present and loving, but distant, judging and violent. There was a really dangerous assumption at play; that in parenting it matters what you do the most, not what is the worst thing you do. I have to say that my parents passed the line of "sometimes acceptable parent behavior" frequently, what they did was so bad it should never happen. There is a concept of parenting nowadays in Finland, "good enough parenting" that I don't know much about (probably easing the guilt and stress of the image of the "perfect parent" is a good idea and allows parents to spend their energy on really becoming the parents they want to be).  This is what I want to point out - if you are bad enough even once the good things you do have no relevance. Your child will be afraid, insecure and unhappy all the time, because she is scared about you flipping out. There can be no trust, real learning, existing, happiness, because you are not safe for the child. 

I was always afraid of punishment, and I had no control over how my actions would be interpreted, so I learned to be anxious all the time. I learned that my parents harboured judgments on us, and they would come flying out when they were in an emotionally difficult state; three weeks ago you... and so you are not a valuble being... you did that and that. They chose to harbour judgments instead of communicating with us in situations, instead of sharing their own point of view, actually parenting us. 

I've learned later that I'm really sensitive compared to many others, and that sensitive children become more easily traumatised, learn to shut themselves up, and, I suppose, are more conscious of parental and adult expectations around them. I would've needed support to find my place in the world even if my parents would have been nearly perfect (support from them!), as it was my home was just another horrible thing to get away from.