A few links

As I ponder where to take this blog and what to do with it I read material about unschooling.

My new guru is Dayna Martin, who has been on the Dr. Phil show to exemplify unschooling and has posted some videos about unschooling at youtube. Her site is Unschooling America. Her blog is also really interesting and full of life, at Sparkling Martins. She has been invited to be the keynote speaker at the first European unschooling conference, held in London in July. I'm seriously envious of this lady with her 4 shiny children and an adventure-filled life...

I also found a nice post about unschooling food, which is very close to the overcoming overeating approach to eating and feeding children.

Naomi Aldort interview

I found a great interview Naomi Aldort did with another blogger at Mother Rising. Enjoy! 

More Naomi Aldort in the internet

Yesterday I discovered that Naomi Aldort offers a forum for everyone interested in discussing Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves. The address is http://authenticparent.websitetoolbox.com/. 

There is a hidden gem: a section that contains links to Aldort's articles in Life Learning magazine and some other articles at http://authenticparent.websitetoolbox.com/?forum=114682. 

I've really enjoyed reading the articles.

from book Trauma and Recovery by Judith Herman

I've bought this book a while back, but yesterday I actually read some of it for the first time. 

The chapter 5, "Child abuse", hit home. It describes rather accurately how my life has been, what kind of a struggle and anxiety I've experienced. Most of the writer's examples are very extreme and deal with sexual abuse, but the structure of the experience is similar. 

Some quotes that I feel describe my life well: 

"The child trapped in an abusive environment is faced with formidable tasks of adaptation. She must find a sense of trust in people that are untrustworthy - - Unable to care for or protect herself, she must compensate for the failures of adult care and protection with the only means at her disposal, an immature system of psychological defenses." 

It's just this week that I realised that I was trapped in a traumatic environment as a child. I understood that trauma comes from a situation you can't flee from or fight in, that's where I was at. I had to freeze, and my mind did whatever it could to keep me from cracking. Too bad that I now see that fulfilling all expectations and being so nice meant that the other adults around me had an excuse to think that I was okay. If school goes okay (even though you're bored out of your mind and anxious..) your environment must be okay, you don't need protection! A variation of the theme is my intellect, and how I've been met by others; there seems to be an assumption that if you're intelligent you can't be traumatized or seriously hampered in other respects. My life would be a lot better now had someone seen in what a horrible situation I was in and put a stop to it... 

"In addition to the fear of violence, survivors constantly report an overwhelming sense of helplessness. In the abusive family environment, the exercise of parental power is arbitrary, capricious, and absolute." 

I feel an overwhelming sense of helplessness close to all the time. And it is not only "a sense of" helplessness but a physical and mental freezing, of being immobile and incapable of action. 

"Adaptation to this climate of constant danger requires a state of constant alertness. Children in abusive environments - - become minutely attuned to their abusers' inner states."

I've learned to always have my brains 'on', and to scan my environment, and to be conscious of what others are experiencing. I guess that I'm also empathic by nature (as described by the writer of The Highly Intuitive Child), but that has been made into a frozen defensive structure by the traumatic environment I was in. The reason the attunement happens is to try to gain control by doing exactly what is expected. 

"- - while in a constant state of autonomic hyperarousal, they must also be quiet and immobile, avoiding any physical display of their inner agitation. The result in the peculiar, seething state of "frozen watchfulness" noted in abused children." 

"These children double and redouble their efforts to gain control of the situation in the only way that seems possible, by "trying to be good"." 

Trying to be good does not mean trying something considered good, but doing whatever it is that the abuser (parent, sic) expects or would not get angry about. Which is of course impossible to predict, and a responsibility no child or person should ever have to take. 

"The social lives of abused children are also profoundly limited by the need to keep up appearances and preserve secrecy. Thus, even those children who manage to develop the semblance of a social life experience it as inauthentic." 

I wasn't conscious of this, but I remember suffering with the inauthenticity of my "family". My parents pretended to be normal around others, but were violent and grossly ignorant/negligent whenever others weren't around. I learned to hate the dichotomy. 

"When it is impossible to avoid the reality of the abuse, the child must construct some system of meaning that justifies it. Inevitably the child concludes that her innate badness is the cause." 

I'm sure that I have this. Nowadays I notice that my body (where the trauma lies, I think) is wired for being punished and just surviving through horrible situations, not changing them or getting out of them.  I don't think that I invite retraumatization, I just don't really have the skills to lead an independent authentic life, at least not yet. 

"- - adult survivors - - continue to view themselves with contempt and to take upon themselves the shame and guilt of their abusers." 

I guess that this is where my unconscious attitudes are. I'm still thinking, on, all the time, using thinking as a defense. I think that I am valuble, and unique, and capable to live, but my body disagrees. I don't trust myself to take good care of myself, and when I look at my past there is no reason I would. 

" - - the child victim often becomes a superb performer. - - she usually perceives her performing self as inauthentic and false. Rather, the appreciation of others simply confirms her conviction that no one can truly know her and that, if her secret and true self were recognized, she would be shunned and reviled." 

I certainly see my past as fully inauthentic, and the child trapped in it really unloved and unlucky. 

"Abused children sometimes interpret their victimization within a religious framework of divine purpose." 

I used to have a fantasy that my life was a big scientific experiment. My parents, who both have PhDs in medicine, were forced to treat me with no love to see what would happen. Only when I was dying, in my death bed, would they pour out their love and explain the experiment to me. They were forced to treat me badly, it was not their choice. The truth is, obviously, that they just didn't care. I don't think that I ever took this fantasy for truth, it was just something that came to mind when I was approximately 10 years old. 

"Many abused children cling to the hope that growing up will bring escape and freedom. But the personality formed in an environment of coercive control is not well adapted to adult life. The survivor is left with fundamental problems in basic trust, autonomy, and initiative." 

I remember dreaming about being grown-up, respected and capable of taking care of myself. Too bad for me now that my body is ruined in ways that can probably not be fixed. I'm not sure if I have the willingness to live in this broken body now that I finally have the chance. 

"Almost inevitably, the survivor has great difficulty protecting herself in the context of intimate relationships. - - Her empathic attunement to the wishes of others and her automatic, often unconscious habits of obedience also make her vulnerable to anyone in a position of power or authority. " 

My physical disability would not exist had it not been impossible for me to defend myself in the context of a relationship. And I'm terribly terribly bitter. 

"Many survivors have such profound deficiencies in self-protection they can barely imagine themselves in a position of agency or choice." 

"Eventually, the defensive structure may begin to break down." 

This is where I have been for a few years, maybe. 

Unschooling resources

I found out about unschooling (not putting children to school and letting them direct their own life and learning) a couple of years ago, and finding it validated many thoughts I already had about school and raising children. It didn't take a lot of convincing for me to start to think that unschooling would be what I would have chosen for my life had I been given the opportunity and trust... What I could appreciate at first was the role that school had played in my life; it allowed adults around me to not notice how unhappy I was, took a lot of my valuable childhood time for meaningless tasks, and prevented me from learning what I would really have needed to learn. Only later I've come to understand the depth of compassion and genuine respect for children many unschoolers have that goes beyond not putting children through school, and what kind of freedom children benefit from in many unschooling families. 

I'm not really interested in defending unschooling; it just clicked with me when I found the idea, and my belief in its virtue has only become stronger over time. (I'm aware that unschooling is difficult or nearly impossible for people, especially in Finland, to manage.) There is a lot of well thought-out school critique out there, especially the books of John Holt and John Taylor Gatto, I believe, are worth checking out. (Not that I have read Gatto.) John Holt's books also give a fantastic perspective on how children learn, and what prevents children from learning to the fullest. Holt explains how children are willing to learn and already know how to learn things, why there is no such thing as "the basic skills" etc. 

For anyone interested in unschooling I would recommend reading the following sites:

* Joyfully Rejoicing 

* Living joyfully  

* unschooling.com 

* Sandra Dodd's site 

When you've found out the basics, a fantastic place to hang out at is the shine with unschooling yahoo group. This group is filled with stories of *shine*, children and families being themselves and enjoying life. Occasionally someone posts a problem, and the group responds with a lot of wisdom and empathy. Many times I've felt moved to the point of tears reading the messages in this group. The founder, Anne Ohman, also has a wonderful joy-filled blog, and has written some interesting articles about parenting and unschooling. Her story about her older son Jake is just breathtaking, I wish that everyone had had such parents and understanding when growing up! If you only read one thing I almost wish it was that piece. Another brilliant article by her is about being highly sensitive and unschooling. 

Many unschooling families also have blogs that will allow you to take a peek at their lives. Some can be found for example in the unschooling photo blog ring. 

On throwing pillows from the sofa

Two days ago I went to the "official" birthday cake-and-coffee for my smaller little brother, who turned 19. My cousin's family with their 3-year-old son were there. He was very interested in the room that is full of (mostly my) old junk and overall being a happy curious child. 

What made me think was how he enjoyed throwing pillows from an old sofa. My brother tried to stop him, and to talk him into 'cleaning up' after himself, making him promise to put the pillows back on the sofa after he was done with them. It didn't work, and I didn't support my brother but I engaged with the boy's play, throwing the pillows back to him, laughing along with him. 

Later when the boy tried to go and throw some more pillows, his father stopped him, saying "no" and tearing him away. I'm left to wonder what harm he could've possibly done - mostly probably to the ego of the father who was maybe concerned with what we would think about his parenting skills? 

This is a perfect example of a situation in which just saying yes creates the space for joy. Maybe the father could have asked us if the pillows were valuable, or if there would be something less valuable to throw around? But he obviously didn't consider the experience and joy from throwing pillows valuable or "something to indulge". 

Small thoughts

I've been reading John Holt's Instead of Education, and that book too has both made me hopeful and incredibly sad. It feels so sad to notice that had my parents wanted to offer me a good environment they could've, there would have been resources out there. The contrast to what they chose to do is shuddering. 

One of those things they chose to do was to hit us. The instances I remember were all situations in which my intentions were misinterpreted, and where I was already feeling really bad due to not being understood or some other reason. Hitting us seemed just a way to use up emotion without feeling it for my "parents", and of course was the handy method they made sure that my authentic self was silenced. As a consequence I was "a nice, well-behaved girl", meaning, always afraid, always seeing what was expected, always unsure and unhappy. 

My "mother" told me a couple of years ago that she thought that I would forget what they did, implying that that would mean that it wouldn't have affected me. Why you would want your child to forget your influence as a parent is beyond me - how can you have such low standards for yourself? A part of the reason is maybe that parenting is seen as something where conflicts with children are the norm, and there is very little understanding about the kinds of conflicts that are healthy and the kinds that aren't? 

The conflict there were "at my home", were not the healthy kind, but really usually meant my parents assigning malicious motives on us and punishing us (whether by hitting, not listening, ignoring our questions, etc) according to how they felt at the time. Our needs, emotions, and intentions were ignored. I hardly think there was any time my parents would just have been satisfied and happy to be parents, and accepting and loving us. 

However, as I was, it doesn't really matter if there were such times, because I never felt the love even if it existed. My parents were never around, but even when they were around they weren't present and loving, but distant, judging and violent. There was a really dangerous assumption at play; that in parenting it matters what you do the most, not what is the worst thing you do. I have to say that my parents passed the line of "sometimes acceptable parent behavior" frequently, what they did was so bad it should never happen. There is a concept of parenting nowadays in Finland, "good enough parenting" that I don't know much about (probably easing the guilt and stress of the image of the "perfect parent" is a good idea and allows parents to spend their energy on really becoming the parents they want to be).  This is what I want to point out - if you are bad enough even once the good things you do have no relevance. Your child will be afraid, insecure and unhappy all the time, because she is scared about you flipping out. There can be no trust, real learning, existing, happiness, because you are not safe for the child. 

I was always afraid of punishment, and I had no control over how my actions would be interpreted, so I learned to be anxious all the time. I learned that my parents harboured judgments on us, and they would come flying out when they were in an emotionally difficult state; three weeks ago you... and so you are not a valuble being... you did that and that. They chose to harbour judgments instead of communicating with us in situations, instead of sharing their own point of view, actually parenting us. 

I've learned later that I'm really sensitive compared to many others, and that sensitive children become more easily traumatised, learn to shut themselves up, and, I suppose, are more conscious of parental and adult expectations around them. I would've needed support to find my place in the world even if my parents would have been nearly perfect (support from them!), as it was my home was just another horrible thing to get away from. 

Finnish children don't consider game English "real English"

There is a story about someone's PhD reseach about 7-13-year old Finnish children and studying English in today's Helsingin sanomat. The surveyed children don't consider the English they learn when gaming "proper English" , and don't see much relevance for lerning to write English (this is actually expressed rather vaguely in the article; it's possible that I misunderstood something). "Real English" is learned at school from books, the children think. 

I don't remember if I had that kind of an attitude about English, but one of the bitternesses I harbor about school has to do with learning English. English lessons helped me learn English until I was in the 6th grade, after that my learning was from books I read and tv shows I watched. I remember the moment I realised that I know English; I was watching Bold and the Beautiful and had an epiphany - I wasn't reading the subtitles anymore but I was listening to what they were actually saying, in English. After that English lessons were really boring, and didn't really contribute to my use of it... I remember the only 2 words I learned on the 8th grade (obstruction and contempt). My teacher noticed that I was bored, but didn't really offer me anything more challenging or meaningful. Now when I think about who I was then I had a really deep need to be understood and to find ways to express my diverse thoughts, and even though I studied English, Finnish and French, none of those lessons fulfilled that need. 

No wonder children have the attitudes they do; at school it is not really considered important what children are excited about or do in their free time. The researcher concludes that attention should be placed on forging connections between the children's experiences and their English lessons. That way, the article says, "children's attitudes would also change". I don't know how important that is, I think that the children's attitudes are a pretty clear indicator of how things actually are at school, and how their life outside of school is seen there. I would think that the point of the change would be that children could be excited about what they learn, could see the relevance of what they do learn, and they are seen as whole children and their learning outside of school is also valued. 

I think that the same would apply to any school subject, and actually to anything outside of school; true learning has everything to do with our lives as they are now, and all that we willingly learn can change our life as it is now. 

This huge task ahead of me

I feel like now I've gained a lot of understanding about what went wrong in my life. Now I've got this huge task of building a great life ahead of me, and I feel that the "treatment" I'm getting (medications and some meetings with "helpers") doesn't really give me anything that would really support me with it. 

I was really born healthy and talented, even though sensitive and easily traumatized (I've stopped really living as a very small child). Now I see that that being had everything in herself that she needed for a good life, her environment just couldn't offer her what she needed. She didn't get what she needed, and she was ignored, so she learned to see herself as worthless and act without power, act only out of fear and anxiousness to fulfil others' expectations. She could never do what was important to her (no matter if she knew what was best for her, she couldn't physically bring herself to do it - this is why I have these physical problems now, it's not that I wouldn't have known better), she learned to hide who she really was, eventually from herself as well. She resigned to the thought that life would start later, when she was a worthwhile adult. 

Now is that time when life starts or doesn't. I'm not sure if I feel alive yet, I'm slightly apprehensive about what I see as this huge learning task, undoing the conditioning that has made me powerless and unhappy. Talking only doesn't help because it's not on the level of talk that I'm traumatized. My body will shut me out, dissociate, lose all ability to function when there is something that would be important to me to do. I've never been fully able to function, I know now, despite pretending otherwise for all these years. That pretense was part of my traumatic defense. 

Do I have the energy to live with my physical disability and to build a real life? What can I do to have a real life now? There never was any trust in me in my life. I became powerless and deeply ashamed and afraid of the powerlessness.  I really had no choice as a child. I didn't get what I needed, I was shut down, my emotions, expression, knowing what was important to me, and had to pretend all these years to be living my own life. 

At least at last I'm in a situation in which my external situation corresponds with how I feel inside, I'm not trying to pretend to be okay anymore. What if I will never have the tools I would need to build a great life? What if I spend the rest of my life haunted by my past? I'm not willing to do that. Can I trust myself now, know that I don't have the safety I need, and just build it bit by bit, wishing to not get more hurt before I am able to really take care of myself? This is what parents would have been for; for helping you live as yourself, and for taking care of you when you were unable to do so, for supporting your ability to go on living authentically. My so-called parents just saw me as an embellishment to their life, someone who should have no emotions, no problems, no difficulty whatsoever. They denied themselves the chance to nurture me, make sure that I am taken care of, and get to know me. 

2 situations with a 2-year-old

Yesterday we visited P's sister HM. She has a 2-year-old girl called Anni. I've been thinking about two recent situations with her that have made me think about what children need and how adults can support them. 

The first scene happened when we were leaving on an earlier visit. Anni and HM, her mother, went to a room that had a sofa and a window to the yard, so that Anni could watch as I and P were leaving. Anni got on the sofa and suddenly fell with her right foot between the sofa and the radiator. HM asked her if she was hurt, and A said "no", but seemed distraught nonetheless. HM urged on - I don't remember everything as clearly as I'd like -  and Anni finally started to cry in her lap to get the hurt and shock out. 

That brought to mind what I had learned from Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves, about children needing support with facing their emotions. The very least they need is for the adults around to allow for emotional expression, and not prevent it with for example avoidance or providing distractions (some of the ways of denying children their emotions Aldort lists in her book). This situation stayed with me for days, and I felt admiration for HM's mothering. What HM did was more than allowing Anni to have her feelings,  what she did was to support her in becoming emotionally aware, resilient and facing her feelings. 

It is common to think that children are very emotional and easy with their feelings and think that what adults do wouldn't have much of an effect, or, even worse, that emotional expression is not important. The truth is that children are resilient but the resiliency comes from being able to live with your emotions as they come, and not fear that you lose the respect or love of the adults around you if you show your hurt. Aldort promotes being there for the child (not stopping emotional expression) and not adding drama to the situation. Aldort has made clear that children follow adults' expectations and can be seriously stunted by adults' attitudes. Unexpressed emotions stay with children, awaiting later release, seriously hampering the child's well-being if that time never comes. A couple of days ago I realised that I waited my whole childhood and youth for a situation to fully exist, for safety to have my emotions. Now I'm building that, slowly and painfully. 

What I learned is that Anni needed in that situation both that her emotions are taken seriously, and that she is supported in expressing them: this is what I feel that HM did. 

The second event happened as I was playing with Anni. I'm somewhat a favourite with her, and we have some games that we play together. One of those is Anni doing something on the mattresses at her room and me following and repeating whatever she is doing. An example would be theatrically falling on the mattress or kicking our feet in the air making funny sounds. 

Yesterday as we were playing Anni turned forcefully on the mattress and hit her head to a closet door. I was quite sure that she would be hurting. I remembered that I want to allow Anni to feel her feelings and move on, and I asked her if she was hurt. She said no, but I said something else, trying to suggest that it is okay to be hurt. I asked if we would get her mother, and A said no. I wonder how I could know when Anni's no means that she is afraid her emotions won't be accepted and when it does mean that she genuinely doesn't feel the need to get her mother for support. 

She was silent for a while but allowed me to stroke her back slowly. (I stopped for a while and continued as she stayed in the same position. I'm conscious of the possibility of forcing children physical closeness they don't know how to prevent and I really hope that what I did felt comfortable and supporting to Anni).  I hope that I allowed Anni to have her feelings. It's possible that something stayed unexpressed and Anni's parents will face the emotions later on. I'm happy to know that Anni has parents who can support her emotionally.  After a while Anni got up and said something about the door, and I reciprocated by saying that it is sturdy or something to that effect. 

Now I wonder if that situation went as best it could. Maybe it's safest for Anni not to express all her hurt with me.  I don't think that I was attached to Anni either hurting or not hurting, and I was genuinely trying to just allow Anni her feelings. Situations like this make a life, emotions unexpressed can deeply prevent present life. When declined a chance to express and feel our emotions we become afraid of them, and feel that who we are fully is unacceptable. I wish for Anni a sense that everything that she is is fully loved, and that she can move on from any feeling. 

Where am I with NVC? Reading Speak Peace in a World of Conflict

Today I read the book Speak Peace in a World of Conflict for the second time. This is Rosenberg's illustration of NVC and how it relates to living peacefully within ourselves and with others, and creating a peaceful world with new kinds of social structures. I didn't remember how radical Rosenberg is in the sense that he wants to deeply change the way the world works nowadays; he sees coercive structures as gangs (be they corporations or schools, anything), and recognizes that education as it usually works is geared towards producing docile workers who will do as they are told. 

As I read I'm pondering whether I'm really ready to apply NVC in my life. Making genuine connections with people really scares me. I'm wondering if I really want to do it; maybe that is why listening in NVC is so difficult. Or is it just that I don't trust the NVC process yet? I feel vulnerable sharing my feelings and needs, and listening to others' needs and feelings doesn't come easily to me.  I feel that I have a lot to learn. 

I'm also noticing that knowing what I'm feeling any moment is really difficult. My family didn't support any kind of emotional expression or consciousness of emotions or needs, and for a long time I didn't know at all what I was feeling aside from constant depression and anxiety. Now when I think of situations in the NVC sense, and try to identify how I feel in them, it feels like I'm just looking at the list of feelings and thinking in my head, "what could I be feeling now?". Maybe that's how it starts really, after you've grown up hiding your emotions and trying to please everyone around you. 

My use of NVC so far has probably been mostly formulaic, and P has picked up on it. I'm really not sure if I'm looking for the empathetic connection that is, Rosenberg writes, the goal of NVC. Maybe I'm trying to force myself to "do NVC", maybe what I really now want is to connect with relatively few people? (With P, and with my friends?) At the same time I want to "practise NVC" because I enrolled on a course of NVC at Oulu next month! I asked the teacher whether it is okay for me to attend, since I haven't taken the basic course and this is an advanced version, and I got permission. 

It takes me increasing amounts of time to respond to anything P says, but I think that that is part of learning NVC. I have kind of switched off the old intellectualising and complaining voice, but haven't really found a way to connect to others' and my own needs yet. I'm sure that I will learn in time to be more present and open to hearing what I am and what others are experiencing. Exciting times. 

Naomi Aldort in the internet

As I'm pondering how to express the deep meaning of Aldort's book Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves for the blog, I'm watching her on youtube. Her videos and a few articles by her can be found at her website, http://naomialdort.com/. I like the one on name calling especially. Of the articles the one about the importance of play is my favourite. 

A tip for menstruating women: the menstrual cup

I don't intend to do a lot of product endorsement in this blog, but certain inventions are too good not to write about. I've been using the menstrual cup around 3 years now and would recommend it to any menstruating woman. Even though it took some practise for me to learn to use it (I could only insert it lying down for the first months), the effort was completely worth it. Nowadays my periods go a lot easier even if I'm not one of the lucky normal-flowy women who need only empty the cup twice a day. 

If you're considering trying the cup and are still slightly hesitant, please heed my recommendation and do try! (And tell me about it in comments.) There are a few things good to remember as you start your life with the cup: 

- there are many ways to fold the cup for easy insertion, just do a search 

- when inserting it,  make sure that the cup has popped open by testing if the bottom of the cup feels round 

- when taking the cup out remember to relax! and also to fully release the air pressure inside the cup before you try to take it out (a good technique is to slide your finger upwards on the edge of the cup until you can squeeze the air out)

- rinse first with cold water so the blood doesn't stick or the cup become smelly, and if the airholes have holes in them fill the cup with water, turn it against your palm and squeeze it so that the water comes out the airholes, cleaning them. 

- wash with an intimate wash liquid that hasn't been perfumed (but the longer I use the cup the less often I wash it, do as often as necessary..) 

- cleaning the cup is easy if you just put it on a plate and pour boiling water over it and let it sit for a while, repeat; do this at least between periods. 

- when you start using the cup trim the "antenna" if it feels uncomfortable. It'll prevent overflow since if the antenna hits your vaginal wall the cup might move. 

For everyone who understands Finnish there is a fantastic internet resource about menstrual cups called kuukuppikunta. In English there is a livejournal community about menstrual cups, and a site about reusable menstrual products at http://www.ecomenses.com/. 

Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves, part 2

This book makes me really sad now because I see how bad my life has been almost up until now (and from now on, for different reasons). If I didn't feel that my life is over because of the physical disabilities I've caused myself I would be actually very happy about everything Aldort writes. But now my reading is tainted with such remorse and longing that it's almost painful. 

I see ever so clearly that all my life I was ashamed of what I was really feelings and my qualities, in essence of everything I was. Aldort lists the signs of children who only expect conditional love and don't have the encouragement they need to have a really meaningful life. I can relate to a few, especially

* ”A child who is afraid of being judged is likely to stop whatever she is doing when her parent enters the room.” I can't even watch tv with my so-called parents, it takes all the joy out of it. I've recognized my feeling for a long time, but this is a very neat explanation. The same applies to my little brothers, I think, they will get angry when my ”mom” tries to inquire into what they're doing.

* ”A fearful child will avoid asserting herself, especially if she thinks her wishes will conflict with her parents'.” This is why I never got what I wanted. In addition to the fact that when I wanted something and actually verbalised it, it was called a whim or considered not important and promptly ignored (A good example is the time I was anxious about not getting braces like everyone else, was told off, and suffered for years in longing for straightened teeth. After telling about that to my ”mother” a couple of years ago it took 2 hours of explaining how my life was made worse by that ignorance, and then she finally decided to tell me how she really, despite my explanations, still saw it, i.e. ”teeth are not the most important thing in the world!”. Touché, nothing in my life ever was important.)

* ”Feeling unsafe hinders the child's ability to make decisions.” I've only recently recognized how I always want to think things through and come to ”the perfect” outcome in any decision (e.g. choosing a computer will take months...) I tend to ”overthink” everything, and feel insecure about my choices. This point by Aldort got me thinking that maybe it is my internalised sense of how my parents would react to things. Certainly I always had to test things out in my head numerous times, and taking any action on something important was a grueling task, and doing anything with my parents present created anxiety for me.

*”The ability to concentrate is severely hampered by insecurity and fear - - ” Part of the reason I'm declared schizophreniac is the disparity between my talents and my ability to get things done. Aldort points out the reason.

* ”A child who does not feel emotionally safe and confident will sometimes choose a careful path of pleasing. She may strive to blend in rather than be herself. ” This has certainly affected me more than I would like to admit. Outwardly I was the rebel but inside all my reflexes made me susceptible to any outside demand no matter at what cost to my life.

A child who has something to fear will also lie, because there is so much at stake (possible punishment,withdrawal of parental love etc.). The only time I remember actually lying to my parents was when I was maybe 6 and had stolen a fantastic miniature camera from a friend. My ”mother” asked me if I took it and I just lied, looking straight at her eyes. I was filled with fear, obviously. But I still felt sad when she believed me, since inauthenticity seemed to satisfy her, not a genuine connection with me...

It kills me that my parents didn't perceive the threat they put us under (especially me, I was the sensitive and fully pleasing one) by teaching us to ignore our feelings and sense of danger. My life genuinely feels like it's over now because of this disability. I keep thinking that anything, anything that could've done when I was feeling worst, could maybe have given me the sense that I was important and that my health would be important to maintain. There have been countless situations in my life where I've ignored my sense of danger, but this one thing is what is killing me now; the rest didn't leave physical damage; i feel fully able to deal with those experiences now. The emotional and other abuse I could take, especially now that I see alternatives and am learning to assert what I need.   

After the previous post veered seriously off course, here is what I was going to write about... Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves

I'm in love with this book already even though I'm only on page 60 now. I hope that I'll finish this today. 

Aldort presents a fantastic outline of what children need from their parents, and overall in life, to thrive. She lists 

- love

- freedom of self-expression

- autonomy and power

- emotional safety 

- self-esteem 

as needs children try to satisfy through their actions (no matter how inconceivable to the parent). I think that I was very much a normal, maybe more sensitive and acutely aware of things as others, but overall a normal, healthy child. But I was thrown into an environment of expectations and unquestioned demands. My parents never took the time or caring to go through what they expected (some of these I heard later, such as "I wanted nice children", with no thought ever given to what "being nice" in a child would mean), which is the first step Aldort presents for parents to become the loving parents they (hopefully!) want to be. S. is the first letter of her S.A.L.V.E. formula, and it means listening to your self-talk to reveal assumptions and 'should's that stand between you and loving your child as she is. And as she states, that is indeed the most important, the critical thing parents need to realise; the rest will flow by itself after you're clear about what you really are telling yourself.  

More on expectations; Aldort writes that the emotional energy of a parent can often be overwhelming to the child. If she is scolded about something she will only learn that she is worthless, and probably become so sensitized by the parent's anger that she won't understand what the parent tries to communicate. I love it how Aldort explains the destructive power of expectations: "- - children are prompted by expectations to do what would please the adults around them, which hurts their sense of trust and self-esteem. Protect the child's authenticity in his relationship with you - -. " p.48 

(Makes me see that what I became - that defenseless creature who tries to do what is expected no matter what the cost - is very natural. And if people who are in the "helping professions" realised this deep need and didn't think that manipulating children through it is okay, they could've seen that I should be protected from myself, from becoming slave to others' expectations... but I digress.) 

I'm reading the love chapter now. Aldort explores what it means to love and what kind of attention children need. 

Quotes I find very worthwhile: 

* On why the book was written: "The purpose of this book, therefore, is not to teach you how to elicit cooperation, but how to empower self-realization for both you and your child. An autonomous child, whose life flows in her direction, acts productively because she wants to. She acts out of joy and love, not out of fear or a need to earn approval." 

* On why it's not "indulging the child" to give him attention (Aldort also makes clear that nothing loving you can do will "spoil" the child or make them not aware of others' needs): "Giving attention - - is a response to a human need. The child learns his own value by being worthy of our time and attention." p.62 

* A risk parents face, of blinding themselves. Aldort suggests being deeply aware of our motives when dealing with (our) children: "Often we confuse our own needs with caring for the child, and we project those needs on the child. - - we are all sometimes convinced that we know what is best for the child, yet it is more likely to represent our own needs." p.65-6 

* About what love really means, a quote I love to bits: "Your child will feel connected by love when you are straight with her about your needs and you avoid controlling her or teaching her how to be. - - loving your child is being ecstatic about who she is, celebrating her ways of being and her choices." p.67

More when I finish the book. 

Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves

Bookdepository promptly delivered to my door the book I'm currently reading, Naomi Aldort's Raising Our Children, Raising ourselves, yesterday. Makes me sad to read this and realise how deeply ashamed of my needs and everything about myself I've always been. And now that I see everything through the disability I got by not taking care of what I needed in the wrong moment, I'm bitter about not having had the kind of parents who would have supported me in noticing and responding to my needs. 

Instead, I got the freezing reflex, overthinking and just being there hoping that things would pass, and that I wouldn't be permanently hurt, in any situation where I was under danger. Now that freezing has really deteriorated the quality of my life and I'm not sure if I'll ever have a healthy body and a relaxed feeling again. My needs were always ignored, to the point that when I had a need I was quick to disown it, and when I had a need I was conscious of I ignored it as best I could, trying to prove that "nothing was wrong with me". In my "family" it was always wrong to tell that you had a need or to show that you had a problem with anything; nothing was discussed, no support was ever given, no presence lavished on us.  

But back to the book; my point is just that the things that Aldort and others write about are no trivial matters, even if only in a preventative health sense, it would be wise to advocate the kind of parenting that helps children to be aware and fulfil their needs. Aldort's world is a far cry from the judgmental environment my so-called parents built for me and my brothers.  

I've only recently realised something very important, and it makes me think that much of the speech directed at people with horrible childhoods, is deeply patronizing. I can recall being told/having read that "yes, you have these defense reflexes, they're what kept you alive, they protected you, now you can let go of them". The truth is that those patterns didn't serve me and I didn't get the help I would've needed to become someone who shouts and stop what is happening when they are being hurt (hence my physical problem now!). No one was willing to look at my life, even when I got "professional help" before I had gotten this physical problem, and how willing I was to fulfil everyone else's expectations. When I told about my fears I was told that "therapy is a slow process". The truth is, and this is what I've realised just now, that nothing can really protect a child when she is tossed into a violent, neglectful environment. That is exactly what I had to grow up with. The only chance is for someone else to notice what is going on, the child will do anything to uphold the parents' expectations of normalcy. That's what I did, at least. At terrible cost to myself. 

The people who met me when I needed real help didn't see through the drama of normalcy I put on for everyone else, they didn't realise that it was a part of my pathology, to always seem capable and outwardly needless. "She's an intelligent girl, she'll go far..." they told themselves, not taking my fears and sensitivities seriously. Now I'm perhaps permanently hurt. I can't help but think that even one person acknowledging where I was coming from could've made a difference. I had no skill to respond to my needs, even on a very basic level, especially when met with others' expectations of me! 

I'm angry that now that I could really live I'm forced to live in a broken body. Anything else I could deal with on my own, I feel, I've let go of horrible amounts of emotional trauma. It kills me to know that I could live well if I could just relax and be physically present. I see so much richness in life and so many learning tasks ahead I could feel positively elated, if only, if only... This is the risk people take when not responding to others openly and finding out what they really need, what their life really is about. That they offer the wrong thing and things just get worse. The therapy I had was clearly not enough, if I was not able to defend myself. I couldn't take care of my needs, I would've needed someone to see how badly at risk I was, and help me design a healthy and risk-free environment to be in for the duration of tough emotional work. 

Wisdom from John Holt's How Children Learn

If, like me, you find this book boring at first, jump ahead and start where you find something interesting, and then after staying up half the night to finish the book, come back to the beginning. In How Children Learn John Holt presents his understanding of what processes children use to learn and process things they encounter in their lives, and how they naturally learn very efficiently. The new edition ends with a chapter called "Learning and love". In it, Holt writes: "What have I learned from all this? {being an unschooling advocate} That children love learning and are extremely good at it. On this matter I have no more doubts." 

The book is an unschooling classic originally published in the 1960s, but it is constantly valid and I think, important for anyone who is interested in children or learning. Holt has taken a lot of time to hang out and play with children, and to acutely observe how they go about learning. 

One of the most important undercurrents in the book is the assertion that what adults do to supposedly help children's learning usually only means to hinder it. (Another title for the book could be "how adults fail children", I think.) No teaching of any kind is necessary for children to learn: instead, children perceive our efforts to teach, even if ever so slightly, as manipulation.  

Children need testing and a lot of direct feedback (not the fake kind administered through grades and correction) to be able to learn something; Holt explains that we all learn through "hunches". For example, we might have a vague idea about the letter K, and we need many experiences that reinforce our idea to finally be "sure about" what it means. The adult focus on getting things correct immediately stops the flow of natural learning. If we drill the child for a quick answer (in school, for instance) we only serve to destroy the hunch, and make the child unsure of his learning (and ruin his confidence). Also, pointing out mistakes in e.g. a child's use of language (or even repeating a mispronounced word carefully back to the child) means that a child's self-correcting processes are stopped. S/he would learn more and faster left to her own devices. Another reason not to demand perfect command of language from children is to let the child feel that they are important, and that other people want to understand them. AND to really understand them, of course! (It's sad how that eludes some parents and other adults.) Sharing things and being together is what communication, speech, listening, writing and reading, really are about.  

Holt manages to question importan tenets of school-centered idea of learning, such as "learning is for the future" etc. Doing things and being alive are what prepares us for life, not "studying" vague irrelevant "facts". An important component of children's learning is that they want to make meaning of the world around them. That is the driving force behind genuine learning: what is served in school is disjointed information that has no relevance to most children's presence. Also, Holt notes, at school it is the teacher who does the talking, not the children who need to "practice" it. 

This is a fantastic book, and the changes it proposes are nothing short of radical. Holt's attitude of careful inquiry and compassion is enchanting, and after reading this I came out with the same conclusions as him, that meaningful learning will happen all the time, if children are not prevented from it.  

to live or to die?

I'm in a bitter predicament. I've finally stopped hoping and started to live (new medication, accumulation of thinking and emotional processing, whatever..). But I'm not satisfied with what I have to live with, I have ruined my body at times when I couldn't take care of my needs. I allowed someone to hurt me without their knowing, and now I struggle with a body that is very uncomfortable to be in and doesn't offer me the kind of physical ease, relaxation and enjoyment I'd like. The hoping lasted too long, and I didn't get the help I would've needed in time: no one saw how incapable of holding my ground and taking care of myself I truly was. (I put on a good show though, that was what I had gotten used to. Now I wish that I would've done anything else in that situation, anything.) 

"I'm going to jump out of the balcony, I can't stand this" goes on in my head, and for the first time in my life I'm really capable of doing it. No wonder, up until now it was the hope that kept me alive, now I'd like to know that I can live freely and happily. And it seems impossible. 

It's not because I don't want to live that I want to die but the exact opposite. I want to die because I really really want to live, and see now that it's perhaps never going to be possible as I want. I may never again have the easy physicality of someone who has taken care of their needs. And it feels so bitter because now is exactly when I also know how I want to live,  and almost what for as well. I could be so sensitive, present, patient, open-minded, exploratory, softspoken, compassionate, courageous, physically relaxed. 

Maybe those are the features I need to bring to my quest for physical healing, and hold on (my whole life has been holding on, and the whole physical problem now is the result of holding on in the wrong moment) a while still.  P is helping, but I am the one who keeps me alive. My thinking goes on... "if you're ready to die, you're ready to do anything to find healing and to keep on living". As yet I still believe it. 

Nonviolent Communication: a taster

A year or so ago I did a google search with the world nonviolence (I'd started to think of the world as a violent place and doing a search meant I was looking for alternatives - and boy didn't I find them!) and stumbled upon the nonviolent communication "technique". It is an essentially simple approach to sharing our lives genuinely with others, namely: 

- observing without mixing in evaluation

- expressing our feeling about what we observe

- exposing the underlying need that is or isn't being met 

- making clear requests to others and ourself (and being open to negotiation with these feelings and needs at their core) 

Deceptively simple, it is anyhow a far cry from our "normal" ways of exchanging information, and it requires a lot of courage to be willing to share openly what we are really experiencing. But the process offers a possibility for truly genuine communication, a blissful feeling of being heard, and the benefit of finding best possible solutions that meet the needs of everyone. (It is very rare to have a situation in which the underlying needs, when viewed openly, can't really be reconciled, but in those situations using nvc means that we actually mourn for the actual loss, the actual situation, instead of being angry or hurt over our interpretation.) 

The basic guide of NVC is called "Nonviolent Communication, A Language of Life: Create your life, Your Relationships, and Your World in Harmony with Your Values". It and other books by the technique's inventor, Marshall Rosenberg, are valuable introductions. I think that NVC can really only be learned in action, by applying it to everyday life. I'm just starting, I'm starting to learn how to be with others after focusing on how to be with myself for a long time... (but it was necessary.) 

Since I was a child I have been afraid of judgments and people who make them. In my childhood and youth I was powerless (paralyzing was the "safe"st alternative at my "home"), and watched countless times how my parents' assumptions and interpretations ruined life for me and themselves. When we accept making judgments and interpretations about situations without communicating openly about them - and going behind them to what needs of ours aren't being met - we often lose the best possible situations and choices in life. Finally I have some understanding about how we can build the kinds of connections I've been yearning my whole life, and can trust that others crave it, too. 

I heard about NVC a while back, but only now it's become alive for me in a way that makes me really want to apply it to my life. Maybe I'm just now getting ready to learn how to be with others genuinely! Suddenly I see that the world I wanted and saw possible as a child really is possible, and actually rather easily attainable. I don't have to let go of those childhood dreams. At the same time there is an apprehension in me about all the work I need to do, about all the things I want to learn. I've learned somewhat to have empathy for myself but now I have to really use it, and to start existing with others through my real self, not the fake persona I polished well until my early 20s. Listening in NVC is still hard for me, as is noticing what I really feel and need in situations. 

I've been practising with P somewhat. I notice that it still takes all my strength to thwart his definitions (e.g. "you're such an idealist") and not get lost in offering mine back. But I'll learn. The world has opened up and I'm much more secure now with telling what I need in situations. Something clicked with NVC a couple of weeks ago and it made my life better instantly, but the real rewards will come in time... 

a book I love: Writing with Power

The book (Writing with Power by Peter Elbow) I'm rereading now is one I found a few years back, when I was living in Helsinki, inconscpicuously shelved at a humanities library. It was on a shelf with such others as "Students must write" (nothing against the book, it's the name that bugs me). I instantly fell in love with its approach, and spent time copying the pages of the book since (I hadn't yet found the bookdepository) I wanted to have them as reference. 

A while back I remembered this book again and promptly ordered it. Now as I think about the blog and what I have to express - especially 2 days ago I had the sense that there is a lot in me but I don't quite know what it is - I use Elbow's techniques. He suggests just embarking on "freewriting", setting the timer for 10 minutes or more and starting to write, no matter how fuzzy the topic. The point is just to "lose sight of the shore", to come up with new ideas and perspectives you didn't quite knew you had, by writing. Then after all you can come back, pick up your fantastic ideas, probably also some very alive writing, and evaluate what you really want to express. 

I recommend this book for anyone who wants to or needs to write. Especially if you consider writing difficult, scary or boring, this book is for you! For me doing freewriting is both fun and very liberating. Two days ago when I wrote I remembered again how powerful (hence the name?) this kind of writing is. Yesterday I read that text and was surprised by its clarity and quality; I couldn't have imagined to have been able to express exactly so many things that I had in my mind in a complete jumble!  That writing hasn't come out as a post yet; there are many posts in there and I'm really wondering about how to use this blog. I guess that the route will carve itself out when I just dare to post things (such as this recommendation, thing that to me seem like they lack something. But Elbow's book really is a wonderful one.) Expressing who I really am to others is new to me. But something I'm learning fast, not least of all due to Elbow's book. 

This is my rendition of a postcard photo I found rather soon after starting OO at a Stockholm museum. One of my friends commented that "she doesn't look healthy". It makes me think people are hung up on the idea of fat and fatness as something unhealthy, and that weight is considered a central defining characteristic of a person, and especially of a body.  What I would like is to note that maybe she has a few extra pounds, but what else is there about her? Is she a mother? Is she going to be a mother soon? How is her life like?... Maybe we usually don't really need to think about who people in images, where only the body is shown, are like. When we see a thin model we are supposed to think that "I want to look like that", the corollary being here "I don't want to look like that". Great image. 

Good advice from When Women Stop Hating Their Bodies

by Jane R. Hirschmann and Carol H. Munter  p. 273-274 

"When you swore off diets, you promised yourself that you would accept your body regardless of its size. When you then feel pleased about losing weight, that promise rings hollow.

- -

Since self-rejection always triggers mouth hunger, however, it is important to find a way to feel pleased about your weight loss without rejecting who you were before you shed the pounds. 

- -

You can best remain neutral after you have lost weight if you do the following: 

1. Remind yourself that you are having a "diet" reaction, if you start feeling thrilled about losing weight.

2. Remember your old body and remind yourself to be respectful of how nice it was.

3. Take a minute to think about your real achievement: that you non longer feel compelled to eat when you are not hungry.

4. Get back to your mirror work, always stricing to inhabit your body out to the edges. If you keep up with the changes in your body, you will be prepared when others react to your appearance and you will not get carried away by their applause. No doubt they think that you look better when you are thin, but they have not challenged their prejudices the way you have. " 

I think that this advice is valid even when applied to not losing the weight, but gaining some. I might well gain more weight and I'm afraid that I'll reject myself if that happens. (I can just have that feeling without food, though. That's "the real accomplishment"! Makes me think I never was as deeply in the hole as the majority who read the book. No wonder, many of them where put on diets as children.) I don't agree with everyone being thrilled with weight loss, that is more American in my view, at least the "tell it to your face"-approach to applauding it. Of course there are people who will now "accept you better". But it's no real acceptance, one just needs to feel the sorrow of being only conditionally "applaused". 

I think about food a lot now; I'm really thinking that it's hard-wired into our body to become obsessed with food when we're physically deprived. Too bad dieters scold themselves for it. I wish for everyone a compassionate relationship with their life and their body. 

losing weight now - how far have I come?

In my second year at university I started to diet. I was really unhappy, physically sick (due to non-weight issues) and I was stuck in my life at Helsinki. Dieting was, of course, the wrong course to take but I managed to follow the weight watchers points program for a year or so and lost more than 10 kgs. Afterwards the weight started to creep back in, and I was really unsure about what I felt like eating, when I was hungry and my life overall. I was unhappy. I remember one instance when I was sitting on my floor, probably eating something "forbidden" and had an epiphany: "I will never be able to eat exactly what I want!" It felt like a huge blow, but I believe now that that's what started my transformation. 

My history with food had been relatively painless, but with my body it was always problematic. My body was not respected by my parents, neither was my femininity. I didn't have a healthy respect for myself to start with. When I was 12 I suddenly realised that I was too much, too fat, too big (too much a woman). I went from wearing whatever I wanted to wearing what I thought I didn't look so fat in. After that I always had the sense that my life would start after I became acceptable, a bit thinner. I was not fat at all, very healthy with some curves. But nevertheless I had the feeling that life had to be postponed until I became something else. Now I know that you either are completely acceptable or not, that its a decision other people make for you, and that if you're lucky, you can take it from them and decide for yourself at some point... I was not accepted at my "home" and seeing myself as too much, too fat, was just code for my life not being good for me. I now feel that I'm only just now becoming truly alive after having been seriously traumatized (my own diagnosis) by my childhood environment. Dieting was never going to be the way to health or happiness. 

About a year after I stopped dieting I had become disillusioned with it in general and I was wondering if something truly was wrong with me or with diets. And I managed to find the trust that the fault was in diets, and that I would never diet again. I think that I did a google search with "non diet" or something similar and somehow stumbled upon the Overcoming Overeating approach. It's a non diet approach to resolving overeating and other food-related coping mechanisms (such as excessive dieting), the basic premise being that dieting doesn't work but just creates unhealthy thoughts about food and our bodies, and if weight is an issue it will gradually fall off into a naturally good level after eating exactly what we want for a while. 

I started following the approach, went to 4 different candy stores every day to "stock up" on fffs (formerly forbidden foods) and tried to trust my sense of what I want to eat. I noticed that I really didn't know when I was hungry or what I felt like eating. I think now that I never really fully gave myself the financial permission to buy exactly what I want but the approach worked nevertheless. Now for a few years I've had the food at the back of my mind, and have thought mostly about what I would like to eat, and what I would like to eat in terms of being healthier, and mostly managed to eat whatever I like. My idea of what I like and how I want to eat only becomes clearer and clearer with time, and it's usually never a problem to stop eating after I've had what is a truly satisfying amount. After initially gaining about 5kg with starting follow OO (and having the diet-induced binges that fell off after a while: an example is the time I ate 1l of ice cream with a full packet of muffins, and I have eaten neither for weeks now) I have been gradually losing weight. Some of my weight loss is due to different medications, but I have never gained a lot weight or eaten excessively even though I really believe that I can eat exactly what I want! 

 

This last week, however, I've been reading the sister book to Overcoming Overeating, When Women Stop Hating their Bodies. I've had it for a while now but never really read it. I want to remind myself of the approach because I'm starting to notice that I still associate thinness and losing weight with 'being good' or 'being more beautiful'. The fact is I'm losing weight. Mostly I think that it is because I had a gallbladder surgery in November, and now I seem to digest less of what I eat, and to crave less of the things I used to like, such as bread and yoghurt. I have a physical sense of deprivation, and that is enough to make food and eating a topic of thoughts (the reason dieters are so obbsessed with everything food-related). I'd like to trust that I offer myself exactly what I want and that I will not abandon myself if I lose more weight or if my weight starts to rise again after my body has gotten used to the surgery. My trust is a bit shaky now that I notice that I'm secretly happy about having lost weight. 

I'm also starting to realise how much progress I've made through OO these last years, now that I notice eating more. I notice that I leave food when I've had enough to eat (even at my boyfriend's sister or with his parents) and am learning to communicate what I want clearly (makes me notice that I know what I want, it's the communicating part I'm learning). I haven't really talked to P about his food issues but I get the sense that he is not as free around food as I am: makes me sad, but on the other hand makes me notice that I've been able to rid my life of a lot of unnecessary stress. I also usually experience my emotions without turning to food - it never was a huge issue for me but after dieting I did have some bingeing. I still think that many emotions I simply am not aware of (repress), but my vehicle is not food. I'm elated now that I have this freedom and that I found such a valuable resource at an important junction in my life. And maybe I can view this situation a lot more constructively than I would've been able to before my dieting days. The truth is that after OO I'm better off, I have a far better idea of what I want and need than I had even before dieting. 

My plans is to find out more about what I'd like to eat now that my appetite has changed, and to get used to my body as it is now (OO mirror work, which means just looking at yourself in the mirror without judgments, with the view of just taking in information) and to let go of the thoughts about a certain body being better than another. Yesterday I went to prisma (huge supermarket) and bought different things that I think that I'll like more, like salmon.  I'll write about how things go here. 

here we go again...

P suggested that I start a general blog since my previous topically oriented attempts have all but failed. 

I do think that I've learned enormous things these last years and now it's finally all coming together. I could share my views about educating, existing with children and everyone else, having compassion etc. I'll see where this goes. 

I'd love comments on the blog, so if you have an inkling to write anything please do so!