This book makes me really sad now because I see how bad my life has been almost up until now (and from now on, for different reasons). If I didn't feel that my life is over because of the physical disabilities I've caused myself I would be actually very happy about everything Aldort writes. But now my reading is tainted with such remorse and longing that it's almost painful.
I see ever so clearly that all my life I was ashamed of what I was really feelings and my qualities, in essence of everything I was. Aldort lists the signs of children who only expect conditional love and don't have the encouragement they need to have a really meaningful life. I can relate to a few, especially
* ”A child who is afraid of being judged is likely to stop whatever she is doing when her parent enters the room.” I can't even watch tv with my so-called parents, it takes all the joy out of it. I've recognized my feeling for a long time, but this is a very neat explanation. The same applies to my little brothers, I think, they will get angry when my ”mom” tries to inquire into what they're doing.
* ”A fearful child will avoid asserting herself, especially if she thinks her wishes will conflict with her parents'.” This is why I never got what I wanted. In addition to the fact that when I wanted something and actually verbalised it, it was called a whim or considered not important and promptly ignored (A good example is the time I was anxious about not getting braces like everyone else, was told off, and suffered for years in longing for straightened teeth. After telling about that to my ”mother” a couple of years ago it took 2 hours of explaining how my life was made worse by that ignorance, and then she finally decided to tell me how she really, despite my explanations, still saw it, i.e. ”teeth are not the most important thing in the world!”. Touché, nothing in my life ever was important.)
* ”Feeling unsafe hinders the child's ability to make decisions.” I've only recently recognized how I always want to think things through and come to ”the perfect” outcome in any decision (e.g. choosing a computer will take months...) I tend to ”overthink” everything, and feel insecure about my choices. This point by Aldort got me thinking that maybe it is my internalised sense of how my parents would react to things. Certainly I always had to test things out in my head numerous times, and taking any action on something important was a grueling task, and doing anything with my parents present created anxiety for me.
*”The ability to concentrate is severely hampered by insecurity and fear - - ” Part of the reason I'm declared schizophreniac is the disparity between my talents and my ability to get things done. Aldort points out the reason.
* ”A child who does not feel emotionally safe and confident will sometimes choose a careful path of pleasing. She may strive to blend in rather than be herself. ” This has certainly affected me more than I would like to admit. Outwardly I was the rebel but inside all my reflexes made me susceptible to any outside demand no matter at what cost to my life.
A child who has something to fear will also lie, because there is so much at stake (possible punishment,withdrawal of parental love etc.). The only time I remember actually lying to my parents was when I was maybe 6 and had stolen a fantastic miniature camera from a friend. My ”mother” asked me if I took it and I just lied, looking straight at her eyes. I was filled with fear, obviously. But I still felt sad when she believed me, since inauthenticity seemed to satisfy her, not a genuine connection with me...
It kills me that my parents didn't perceive the threat they put us under (especially me, I was the sensitive and fully pleasing one) by teaching us to ignore our feelings and sense of danger. My life genuinely feels like it's over now because of this disability. I keep thinking that anything, anything that could've done when I was feeling worst, could maybe have given me the sense that I was important and that my health would be important to maintain. There have been countless situations in my life where I've ignored my sense of danger, but this one thing is what is killing me now; the rest didn't leave physical damage; i feel fully able to deal with those experiences now. The emotional and other abuse I could take, especially now that I see alternatives and am learning to assert what I need.
Ei kommentteja:
Lähetä kommentti