Instead, I got the freezing reflex, overthinking and just being there hoping that things would pass, and that I wouldn't be permanently hurt, in any situation where I was under danger. Now that freezing has really deteriorated the quality of my life and I'm not sure if I'll ever have a healthy body and a relaxed feeling again. My needs were always ignored, to the point that when I had a need I was quick to disown it, and when I had a need I was conscious of I ignored it as best I could, trying to prove that "nothing was wrong with me". In my "family" it was always wrong to tell that you had a need or to show that you had a problem with anything; nothing was discussed, no support was ever given, no presence lavished on us.
But back to the book; my point is just that the things that Aldort and others write about are no trivial matters, even if only in a preventative health sense, it would be wise to advocate the kind of parenting that helps children to be aware and fulfil their needs. Aldort's world is a far cry from the judgmental environment my so-called parents built for me and my brothers.
I've only recently realised something very important, and it makes me think that much of the speech directed at people with horrible childhoods, is deeply patronizing. I can recall being told/having read that "yes, you have these defense reflexes, they're what kept you alive, they protected you, now you can let go of them". The truth is that those patterns didn't serve me and I didn't get the help I would've needed to become someone who shouts and stop what is happening when they are being hurt (hence my physical problem now!). No one was willing to look at my life, even when I got "professional help" before I had gotten this physical problem, and how willing I was to fulfil everyone else's expectations. When I told about my fears I was told that "therapy is a slow process". The truth is, and this is what I've realised just now, that nothing can really protect a child when she is tossed into a violent, neglectful environment. That is exactly what I had to grow up with. The only chance is for someone else to notice what is going on, the child will do anything to uphold the parents' expectations of normalcy. That's what I did, at least. At terrible cost to myself.
The people who met me when I needed real help didn't see through the drama of normalcy I put on for everyone else, they didn't realise that it was a part of my pathology, to always seem capable and outwardly needless. "She's an intelligent girl, she'll go far..." they told themselves, not taking my fears and sensitivities seriously. Now I'm perhaps permanently hurt. I can't help but think that even one person acknowledging where I was coming from could've made a difference. I had no skill to respond to my needs, even on a very basic level, especially when met with others' expectations of me!
I'm angry that now that I could really live I'm forced to live in a broken body. Anything else I could deal with on my own, I feel, I've let go of horrible amounts of emotional trauma. It kills me to know that I could live well if I could just relax and be physically present. I see so much richness in life and so many learning tasks ahead I could feel positively elated, if only, if only... This is the risk people take when not responding to others openly and finding out what they really need, what their life really is about. That they offer the wrong thing and things just get worse. The therapy I had was clearly not enough, if I was not able to defend myself. I couldn't take care of my needs, I would've needed someone to see how badly at risk I was, and help me design a healthy and risk-free environment to be in for the duration of tough emotional work.
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