After the previous post veered seriously off course, here is what I was going to write about... Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves

I'm in love with this book already even though I'm only on page 60 now. I hope that I'll finish this today. 

Aldort presents a fantastic outline of what children need from their parents, and overall in life, to thrive. She lists 

- love

- freedom of self-expression

- autonomy and power

- emotional safety 

- self-esteem 

as needs children try to satisfy through their actions (no matter how inconceivable to the parent). I think that I was very much a normal, maybe more sensitive and acutely aware of things as others, but overall a normal, healthy child. But I was thrown into an environment of expectations and unquestioned demands. My parents never took the time or caring to go through what they expected (some of these I heard later, such as "I wanted nice children", with no thought ever given to what "being nice" in a child would mean), which is the first step Aldort presents for parents to become the loving parents they (hopefully!) want to be. S. is the first letter of her S.A.L.V.E. formula, and it means listening to your self-talk to reveal assumptions and 'should's that stand between you and loving your child as she is. And as she states, that is indeed the most important, the critical thing parents need to realise; the rest will flow by itself after you're clear about what you really are telling yourself.  

More on expectations; Aldort writes that the emotional energy of a parent can often be overwhelming to the child. If she is scolded about something she will only learn that she is worthless, and probably become so sensitized by the parent's anger that she won't understand what the parent tries to communicate. I love it how Aldort explains the destructive power of expectations: "- - children are prompted by expectations to do what would please the adults around them, which hurts their sense of trust and self-esteem. Protect the child's authenticity in his relationship with you - -. " p.48 

(Makes me see that what I became - that defenseless creature who tries to do what is expected no matter what the cost - is very natural. And if people who are in the "helping professions" realised this deep need and didn't think that manipulating children through it is okay, they could've seen that I should be protected from myself, from becoming slave to others' expectations... but I digress.) 

I'm reading the love chapter now. Aldort explores what it means to love and what kind of attention children need. 

Quotes I find very worthwhile: 

* On why the book was written: "The purpose of this book, therefore, is not to teach you how to elicit cooperation, but how to empower self-realization for both you and your child. An autonomous child, whose life flows in her direction, acts productively because she wants to. She acts out of joy and love, not out of fear or a need to earn approval." 

* On why it's not "indulging the child" to give him attention (Aldort also makes clear that nothing loving you can do will "spoil" the child or make them not aware of others' needs): "Giving attention - - is a response to a human need. The child learns his own value by being worthy of our time and attention." p.62 

* A risk parents face, of blinding themselves. Aldort suggests being deeply aware of our motives when dealing with (our) children: "Often we confuse our own needs with caring for the child, and we project those needs on the child. - - we are all sometimes convinced that we know what is best for the child, yet it is more likely to represent our own needs." p.65-6 

* About what love really means, a quote I love to bits: "Your child will feel connected by love when you are straight with her about your needs and you avoid controlling her or teaching her how to be. - - loving your child is being ecstatic about who she is, celebrating her ways of being and her choices." p.67

More when I finish the book.