to live or to die?

I'm in a bitter predicament. I've finally stopped hoping and started to live (new medication, accumulation of thinking and emotional processing, whatever..). But I'm not satisfied with what I have to live with, I have ruined my body at times when I couldn't take care of my needs. I allowed someone to hurt me without their knowing, and now I struggle with a body that is very uncomfortable to be in and doesn't offer me the kind of physical ease, relaxation and enjoyment I'd like. The hoping lasted too long, and I didn't get the help I would've needed in time: no one saw how incapable of holding my ground and taking care of myself I truly was. (I put on a good show though, that was what I had gotten used to. Now I wish that I would've done anything else in that situation, anything.) 

"I'm going to jump out of the balcony, I can't stand this" goes on in my head, and for the first time in my life I'm really capable of doing it. No wonder, up until now it was the hope that kept me alive, now I'd like to know that I can live freely and happily. And it seems impossible. 

It's not because I don't want to live that I want to die but the exact opposite. I want to die because I really really want to live, and see now that it's perhaps never going to be possible as I want. I may never again have the easy physicality of someone who has taken care of their needs. And it feels so bitter because now is exactly when I also know how I want to live,  and almost what for as well. I could be so sensitive, present, patient, open-minded, exploratory, softspoken, compassionate, courageous, physically relaxed. 

Maybe those are the features I need to bring to my quest for physical healing, and hold on (my whole life has been holding on, and the whole physical problem now is the result of holding on in the wrong moment) a while still.  P is helping, but I am the one who keeps me alive. My thinking goes on... "if you're ready to die, you're ready to do anything to find healing and to keep on living". As yet I still believe it.