This huge task ahead of me

I feel like now I've gained a lot of understanding about what went wrong in my life. Now I've got this huge task of building a great life ahead of me, and I feel that the "treatment" I'm getting (medications and some meetings with "helpers") doesn't really give me anything that would really support me with it. 

I was really born healthy and talented, even though sensitive and easily traumatized (I've stopped really living as a very small child). Now I see that that being had everything in herself that she needed for a good life, her environment just couldn't offer her what she needed. She didn't get what she needed, and she was ignored, so she learned to see herself as worthless and act without power, act only out of fear and anxiousness to fulfil others' expectations. She could never do what was important to her (no matter if she knew what was best for her, she couldn't physically bring herself to do it - this is why I have these physical problems now, it's not that I wouldn't have known better), she learned to hide who she really was, eventually from herself as well. She resigned to the thought that life would start later, when she was a worthwhile adult. 

Now is that time when life starts or doesn't. I'm not sure if I feel alive yet, I'm slightly apprehensive about what I see as this huge learning task, undoing the conditioning that has made me powerless and unhappy. Talking only doesn't help because it's not on the level of talk that I'm traumatized. My body will shut me out, dissociate, lose all ability to function when there is something that would be important to me to do. I've never been fully able to function, I know now, despite pretending otherwise for all these years. That pretense was part of my traumatic defense. 

Do I have the energy to live with my physical disability and to build a real life? What can I do to have a real life now? There never was any trust in me in my life. I became powerless and deeply ashamed and afraid of the powerlessness.  I really had no choice as a child. I didn't get what I needed, I was shut down, my emotions, expression, knowing what was important to me, and had to pretend all these years to be living my own life. 

At least at last I'm in a situation in which my external situation corresponds with how I feel inside, I'm not trying to pretend to be okay anymore. What if I will never have the tools I would need to build a great life? What if I spend the rest of my life haunted by my past? I'm not willing to do that. Can I trust myself now, know that I don't have the safety I need, and just build it bit by bit, wishing to not get more hurt before I am able to really take care of myself? This is what parents would have been for; for helping you live as yourself, and for taking care of you when you were unable to do so, for supporting your ability to go on living authentically. My so-called parents just saw me as an embellishment to their life, someone who should have no emotions, no problems, no difficulty whatsoever. They denied themselves the chance to nurture me, make sure that I am taken care of, and get to know me.