More Naomi Aldort in the internet

Yesterday I discovered that Naomi Aldort offers a forum for everyone interested in discussing Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves. The address is http://authenticparent.websitetoolbox.com/. 

There is a hidden gem: a section that contains links to Aldort's articles in Life Learning magazine and some other articles at http://authenticparent.websitetoolbox.com/?forum=114682. 

I've really enjoyed reading the articles.

from book Trauma and Recovery by Judith Herman

I've bought this book a while back, but yesterday I actually read some of it for the first time. 

The chapter 5, "Child abuse", hit home. It describes rather accurately how my life has been, what kind of a struggle and anxiety I've experienced. Most of the writer's examples are very extreme and deal with sexual abuse, but the structure of the experience is similar. 

Some quotes that I feel describe my life well: 

"The child trapped in an abusive environment is faced with formidable tasks of adaptation. She must find a sense of trust in people that are untrustworthy - - Unable to care for or protect herself, she must compensate for the failures of adult care and protection with the only means at her disposal, an immature system of psychological defenses." 

It's just this week that I realised that I was trapped in a traumatic environment as a child. I understood that trauma comes from a situation you can't flee from or fight in, that's where I was at. I had to freeze, and my mind did whatever it could to keep me from cracking. Too bad that I now see that fulfilling all expectations and being so nice meant that the other adults around me had an excuse to think that I was okay. If school goes okay (even though you're bored out of your mind and anxious..) your environment must be okay, you don't need protection! A variation of the theme is my intellect, and how I've been met by others; there seems to be an assumption that if you're intelligent you can't be traumatized or seriously hampered in other respects. My life would be a lot better now had someone seen in what a horrible situation I was in and put a stop to it... 

"In addition to the fear of violence, survivors constantly report an overwhelming sense of helplessness. In the abusive family environment, the exercise of parental power is arbitrary, capricious, and absolute." 

I feel an overwhelming sense of helplessness close to all the time. And it is not only "a sense of" helplessness but a physical and mental freezing, of being immobile and incapable of action. 

"Adaptation to this climate of constant danger requires a state of constant alertness. Children in abusive environments - - become minutely attuned to their abusers' inner states."

I've learned to always have my brains 'on', and to scan my environment, and to be conscious of what others are experiencing. I guess that I'm also empathic by nature (as described by the writer of The Highly Intuitive Child), but that has been made into a frozen defensive structure by the traumatic environment I was in. The reason the attunement happens is to try to gain control by doing exactly what is expected. 

"- - while in a constant state of autonomic hyperarousal, they must also be quiet and immobile, avoiding any physical display of their inner agitation. The result in the peculiar, seething state of "frozen watchfulness" noted in abused children." 

"These children double and redouble their efforts to gain control of the situation in the only way that seems possible, by "trying to be good"." 

Trying to be good does not mean trying something considered good, but doing whatever it is that the abuser (parent, sic) expects or would not get angry about. Which is of course impossible to predict, and a responsibility no child or person should ever have to take. 

"The social lives of abused children are also profoundly limited by the need to keep up appearances and preserve secrecy. Thus, even those children who manage to develop the semblance of a social life experience it as inauthentic." 

I wasn't conscious of this, but I remember suffering with the inauthenticity of my "family". My parents pretended to be normal around others, but were violent and grossly ignorant/negligent whenever others weren't around. I learned to hate the dichotomy. 

"When it is impossible to avoid the reality of the abuse, the child must construct some system of meaning that justifies it. Inevitably the child concludes that her innate badness is the cause." 

I'm sure that I have this. Nowadays I notice that my body (where the trauma lies, I think) is wired for being punished and just surviving through horrible situations, not changing them or getting out of them.  I don't think that I invite retraumatization, I just don't really have the skills to lead an independent authentic life, at least not yet. 

"- - adult survivors - - continue to view themselves with contempt and to take upon themselves the shame and guilt of their abusers." 

I guess that this is where my unconscious attitudes are. I'm still thinking, on, all the time, using thinking as a defense. I think that I am valuble, and unique, and capable to live, but my body disagrees. I don't trust myself to take good care of myself, and when I look at my past there is no reason I would. 

" - - the child victim often becomes a superb performer. - - she usually perceives her performing self as inauthentic and false. Rather, the appreciation of others simply confirms her conviction that no one can truly know her and that, if her secret and true self were recognized, she would be shunned and reviled." 

I certainly see my past as fully inauthentic, and the child trapped in it really unloved and unlucky. 

"Abused children sometimes interpret their victimization within a religious framework of divine purpose." 

I used to have a fantasy that my life was a big scientific experiment. My parents, who both have PhDs in medicine, were forced to treat me with no love to see what would happen. Only when I was dying, in my death bed, would they pour out their love and explain the experiment to me. They were forced to treat me badly, it was not their choice. The truth is, obviously, that they just didn't care. I don't think that I ever took this fantasy for truth, it was just something that came to mind when I was approximately 10 years old. 

"Many abused children cling to the hope that growing up will bring escape and freedom. But the personality formed in an environment of coercive control is not well adapted to adult life. The survivor is left with fundamental problems in basic trust, autonomy, and initiative." 

I remember dreaming about being grown-up, respected and capable of taking care of myself. Too bad for me now that my body is ruined in ways that can probably not be fixed. I'm not sure if I have the willingness to live in this broken body now that I finally have the chance. 

"Almost inevitably, the survivor has great difficulty protecting herself in the context of intimate relationships. - - Her empathic attunement to the wishes of others and her automatic, often unconscious habits of obedience also make her vulnerable to anyone in a position of power or authority. " 

My physical disability would not exist had it not been impossible for me to defend myself in the context of a relationship. And I'm terribly terribly bitter. 

"Many survivors have such profound deficiencies in self-protection they can barely imagine themselves in a position of agency or choice." 

"Eventually, the defensive structure may begin to break down." 

This is where I have been for a few years, maybe. 

Unschooling resources

I found out about unschooling (not putting children to school and letting them direct their own life and learning) a couple of years ago, and finding it validated many thoughts I already had about school and raising children. It didn't take a lot of convincing for me to start to think that unschooling would be what I would have chosen for my life had I been given the opportunity and trust... What I could appreciate at first was the role that school had played in my life; it allowed adults around me to not notice how unhappy I was, took a lot of my valuable childhood time for meaningless tasks, and prevented me from learning what I would really have needed to learn. Only later I've come to understand the depth of compassion and genuine respect for children many unschoolers have that goes beyond not putting children through school, and what kind of freedom children benefit from in many unschooling families. 

I'm not really interested in defending unschooling; it just clicked with me when I found the idea, and my belief in its virtue has only become stronger over time. (I'm aware that unschooling is difficult or nearly impossible for people, especially in Finland, to manage.) There is a lot of well thought-out school critique out there, especially the books of John Holt and John Taylor Gatto, I believe, are worth checking out. (Not that I have read Gatto.) John Holt's books also give a fantastic perspective on how children learn, and what prevents children from learning to the fullest. Holt explains how children are willing to learn and already know how to learn things, why there is no such thing as "the basic skills" etc. 

For anyone interested in unschooling I would recommend reading the following sites:

* Joyfully Rejoicing 

* Living joyfully  

* unschooling.com 

* Sandra Dodd's site 

When you've found out the basics, a fantastic place to hang out at is the shine with unschooling yahoo group. This group is filled with stories of *shine*, children and families being themselves and enjoying life. Occasionally someone posts a problem, and the group responds with a lot of wisdom and empathy. Many times I've felt moved to the point of tears reading the messages in this group. The founder, Anne Ohman, also has a wonderful joy-filled blog, and has written some interesting articles about parenting and unschooling. Her story about her older son Jake is just breathtaking, I wish that everyone had had such parents and understanding when growing up! If you only read one thing I almost wish it was that piece. Another brilliant article by her is about being highly sensitive and unschooling. 

Many unschooling families also have blogs that will allow you to take a peek at their lives. Some can be found for example in the unschooling photo blog ring. 

On throwing pillows from the sofa

Two days ago I went to the "official" birthday cake-and-coffee for my smaller little brother, who turned 19. My cousin's family with their 3-year-old son were there. He was very interested in the room that is full of (mostly my) old junk and overall being a happy curious child. 

What made me think was how he enjoyed throwing pillows from an old sofa. My brother tried to stop him, and to talk him into 'cleaning up' after himself, making him promise to put the pillows back on the sofa after he was done with them. It didn't work, and I didn't support my brother but I engaged with the boy's play, throwing the pillows back to him, laughing along with him. 

Later when the boy tried to go and throw some more pillows, his father stopped him, saying "no" and tearing him away. I'm left to wonder what harm he could've possibly done - mostly probably to the ego of the father who was maybe concerned with what we would think about his parenting skills? 

This is a perfect example of a situation in which just saying yes creates the space for joy. Maybe the father could have asked us if the pillows were valuable, or if there would be something less valuable to throw around? But he obviously didn't consider the experience and joy from throwing pillows valuable or "something to indulge". 

Small thoughts

I've been reading John Holt's Instead of Education, and that book too has both made me hopeful and incredibly sad. It feels so sad to notice that had my parents wanted to offer me a good environment they could've, there would have been resources out there. The contrast to what they chose to do is shuddering. 

One of those things they chose to do was to hit us. The instances I remember were all situations in which my intentions were misinterpreted, and where I was already feeling really bad due to not being understood or some other reason. Hitting us seemed just a way to use up emotion without feeling it for my "parents", and of course was the handy method they made sure that my authentic self was silenced. As a consequence I was "a nice, well-behaved girl", meaning, always afraid, always seeing what was expected, always unsure and unhappy. 

My "mother" told me a couple of years ago that she thought that I would forget what they did, implying that that would mean that it wouldn't have affected me. Why you would want your child to forget your influence as a parent is beyond me - how can you have such low standards for yourself? A part of the reason is maybe that parenting is seen as something where conflicts with children are the norm, and there is very little understanding about the kinds of conflicts that are healthy and the kinds that aren't? 

The conflict there were "at my home", were not the healthy kind, but really usually meant my parents assigning malicious motives on us and punishing us (whether by hitting, not listening, ignoring our questions, etc) according to how they felt at the time. Our needs, emotions, and intentions were ignored. I hardly think there was any time my parents would just have been satisfied and happy to be parents, and accepting and loving us. 

However, as I was, it doesn't really matter if there were such times, because I never felt the love even if it existed. My parents were never around, but even when they were around they weren't present and loving, but distant, judging and violent. There was a really dangerous assumption at play; that in parenting it matters what you do the most, not what is the worst thing you do. I have to say that my parents passed the line of "sometimes acceptable parent behavior" frequently, what they did was so bad it should never happen. There is a concept of parenting nowadays in Finland, "good enough parenting" that I don't know much about (probably easing the guilt and stress of the image of the "perfect parent" is a good idea and allows parents to spend their energy on really becoming the parents they want to be).  This is what I want to point out - if you are bad enough even once the good things you do have no relevance. Your child will be afraid, insecure and unhappy all the time, because she is scared about you flipping out. There can be no trust, real learning, existing, happiness, because you are not safe for the child. 

I was always afraid of punishment, and I had no control over how my actions would be interpreted, so I learned to be anxious all the time. I learned that my parents harboured judgments on us, and they would come flying out when they were in an emotionally difficult state; three weeks ago you... and so you are not a valuble being... you did that and that. They chose to harbour judgments instead of communicating with us in situations, instead of sharing their own point of view, actually parenting us. 

I've learned later that I'm really sensitive compared to many others, and that sensitive children become more easily traumatised, learn to shut themselves up, and, I suppose, are more conscious of parental and adult expectations around them. I would've needed support to find my place in the world even if my parents would have been nearly perfect (support from them!), as it was my home was just another horrible thing to get away from. 

Finnish children don't consider game English "real English"

There is a story about someone's PhD reseach about 7-13-year old Finnish children and studying English in today's Helsingin sanomat. The surveyed children don't consider the English they learn when gaming "proper English" , and don't see much relevance for lerning to write English (this is actually expressed rather vaguely in the article; it's possible that I misunderstood something). "Real English" is learned at school from books, the children think. 

I don't remember if I had that kind of an attitude about English, but one of the bitternesses I harbor about school has to do with learning English. English lessons helped me learn English until I was in the 6th grade, after that my learning was from books I read and tv shows I watched. I remember the moment I realised that I know English; I was watching Bold and the Beautiful and had an epiphany - I wasn't reading the subtitles anymore but I was listening to what they were actually saying, in English. After that English lessons were really boring, and didn't really contribute to my use of it... I remember the only 2 words I learned on the 8th grade (obstruction and contempt). My teacher noticed that I was bored, but didn't really offer me anything more challenging or meaningful. Now when I think about who I was then I had a really deep need to be understood and to find ways to express my diverse thoughts, and even though I studied English, Finnish and French, none of those lessons fulfilled that need. 

No wonder children have the attitudes they do; at school it is not really considered important what children are excited about or do in their free time. The researcher concludes that attention should be placed on forging connections between the children's experiences and their English lessons. That way, the article says, "children's attitudes would also change". I don't know how important that is, I think that the children's attitudes are a pretty clear indicator of how things actually are at school, and how their life outside of school is seen there. I would think that the point of the change would be that children could be excited about what they learn, could see the relevance of what they do learn, and they are seen as whole children and their learning outside of school is also valued. 

I think that the same would apply to any school subject, and actually to anything outside of school; true learning has everything to do with our lives as they are now, and all that we willingly learn can change our life as it is now. 

This huge task ahead of me

I feel like now I've gained a lot of understanding about what went wrong in my life. Now I've got this huge task of building a great life ahead of me, and I feel that the "treatment" I'm getting (medications and some meetings with "helpers") doesn't really give me anything that would really support me with it. 

I was really born healthy and talented, even though sensitive and easily traumatized (I've stopped really living as a very small child). Now I see that that being had everything in herself that she needed for a good life, her environment just couldn't offer her what she needed. She didn't get what she needed, and she was ignored, so she learned to see herself as worthless and act without power, act only out of fear and anxiousness to fulfil others' expectations. She could never do what was important to her (no matter if she knew what was best for her, she couldn't physically bring herself to do it - this is why I have these physical problems now, it's not that I wouldn't have known better), she learned to hide who she really was, eventually from herself as well. She resigned to the thought that life would start later, when she was a worthwhile adult. 

Now is that time when life starts or doesn't. I'm not sure if I feel alive yet, I'm slightly apprehensive about what I see as this huge learning task, undoing the conditioning that has made me powerless and unhappy. Talking only doesn't help because it's not on the level of talk that I'm traumatized. My body will shut me out, dissociate, lose all ability to function when there is something that would be important to me to do. I've never been fully able to function, I know now, despite pretending otherwise for all these years. That pretense was part of my traumatic defense. 

Do I have the energy to live with my physical disability and to build a real life? What can I do to have a real life now? There never was any trust in me in my life. I became powerless and deeply ashamed and afraid of the powerlessness.  I really had no choice as a child. I didn't get what I needed, I was shut down, my emotions, expression, knowing what was important to me, and had to pretend all these years to be living my own life. 

At least at last I'm in a situation in which my external situation corresponds with how I feel inside, I'm not trying to pretend to be okay anymore. What if I will never have the tools I would need to build a great life? What if I spend the rest of my life haunted by my past? I'm not willing to do that. Can I trust myself now, know that I don't have the safety I need, and just build it bit by bit, wishing to not get more hurt before I am able to really take care of myself? This is what parents would have been for; for helping you live as yourself, and for taking care of you when you were unable to do so, for supporting your ability to go on living authentically. My so-called parents just saw me as an embellishment to their life, someone who should have no emotions, no problems, no difficulty whatsoever. They denied themselves the chance to nurture me, make sure that I am taken care of, and get to know me. 

2 situations with a 2-year-old

Yesterday we visited P's sister HM. She has a 2-year-old girl called Anni. I've been thinking about two recent situations with her that have made me think about what children need and how adults can support them. 

The first scene happened when we were leaving on an earlier visit. Anni and HM, her mother, went to a room that had a sofa and a window to the yard, so that Anni could watch as I and P were leaving. Anni got on the sofa and suddenly fell with her right foot between the sofa and the radiator. HM asked her if she was hurt, and A said "no", but seemed distraught nonetheless. HM urged on - I don't remember everything as clearly as I'd like -  and Anni finally started to cry in her lap to get the hurt and shock out. 

That brought to mind what I had learned from Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves, about children needing support with facing their emotions. The very least they need is for the adults around to allow for emotional expression, and not prevent it with for example avoidance or providing distractions (some of the ways of denying children their emotions Aldort lists in her book). This situation stayed with me for days, and I felt admiration for HM's mothering. What HM did was more than allowing Anni to have her feelings,  what she did was to support her in becoming emotionally aware, resilient and facing her feelings. 

It is common to think that children are very emotional and easy with their feelings and think that what adults do wouldn't have much of an effect, or, even worse, that emotional expression is not important. The truth is that children are resilient but the resiliency comes from being able to live with your emotions as they come, and not fear that you lose the respect or love of the adults around you if you show your hurt. Aldort promotes being there for the child (not stopping emotional expression) and not adding drama to the situation. Aldort has made clear that children follow adults' expectations and can be seriously stunted by adults' attitudes. Unexpressed emotions stay with children, awaiting later release, seriously hampering the child's well-being if that time never comes. A couple of days ago I realised that I waited my whole childhood and youth for a situation to fully exist, for safety to have my emotions. Now I'm building that, slowly and painfully. 

What I learned is that Anni needed in that situation both that her emotions are taken seriously, and that she is supported in expressing them: this is what I feel that HM did. 

The second event happened as I was playing with Anni. I'm somewhat a favourite with her, and we have some games that we play together. One of those is Anni doing something on the mattresses at her room and me following and repeating whatever she is doing. An example would be theatrically falling on the mattress or kicking our feet in the air making funny sounds. 

Yesterday as we were playing Anni turned forcefully on the mattress and hit her head to a closet door. I was quite sure that she would be hurting. I remembered that I want to allow Anni to feel her feelings and move on, and I asked her if she was hurt. She said no, but I said something else, trying to suggest that it is okay to be hurt. I asked if we would get her mother, and A said no. I wonder how I could know when Anni's no means that she is afraid her emotions won't be accepted and when it does mean that she genuinely doesn't feel the need to get her mother for support. 

She was silent for a while but allowed me to stroke her back slowly. (I stopped for a while and continued as she stayed in the same position. I'm conscious of the possibility of forcing children physical closeness they don't know how to prevent and I really hope that what I did felt comfortable and supporting to Anni).  I hope that I allowed Anni to have her feelings. It's possible that something stayed unexpressed and Anni's parents will face the emotions later on. I'm happy to know that Anni has parents who can support her emotionally.  After a while Anni got up and said something about the door, and I reciprocated by saying that it is sturdy or something to that effect. 

Now I wonder if that situation went as best it could. Maybe it's safest for Anni not to express all her hurt with me.  I don't think that I was attached to Anni either hurting or not hurting, and I was genuinely trying to just allow Anni her feelings. Situations like this make a life, emotions unexpressed can deeply prevent present life. When declined a chance to express and feel our emotions we become afraid of them, and feel that who we are fully is unacceptable. I wish for Anni a sense that everything that she is is fully loved, and that she can move on from any feeling.